Friday, June 03, 2011

The Knatolee's World HEN HAIKU CONTEST

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,  boys and girls, cats and dogs, chickens and all other assorted flora and fauna, it's time for Knatolee's first (perhaps the only!) annual 


There rules are simple: you must write a hen-related (and/or rooster-related) haiku in the traditional format of 5 syllables, followed by 7 syllables, followed by 5 syllables. The best Haiku will be chosen by my as-yet-to-be-selected expert committee, and the winner will receive a prize of an assortment of my chicken photo greeting cards. This contest is open to all citizens of the world who live in a place with mail delivery. Husbands of Knatolee are disqualified, as are chickens of Knatolee, but anyone else is eligible to enter. The deadline for this fabulous contest is midnight June 30th, and the winner will be announced July 1st, Canada Day! While Kate and Wills are cavorting in our nation's capital that day, one of you lucky haiku-savants will be celebrating in the glory of winning my first ever HEN HAIKU CONTEST!

To start you off, I present this exceedingly delicious haiku by the wondrous Jams at The Poor Mouth. Can you beat this? You'd better try, or Jams will be winning yet another prize: 

Enter early, enter often. Good luck, people!

PS: Canada Post has just gone on strike. If they're still picketing July 1st, delivery of your prize may be delayed due to circumstances completely and utterly beyond my control!


  1. They call me Mr. Beaker
    I want all the girls
    But the girls want Errol Flynn

  2. We are all free range chickens
    We own this grand farm
    Even those scaredy cat dogs

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! This is gonna be GOOD!!!!!!

  4. Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck
    Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck
    Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck

  5. Rampant cockerel
    he desires to spread his seed
    sadly No means No

  6. Quick, fleeting passion
    Leads to missing back feathers.
    Apron for Chickie!

  7. Oh my freaking God!
    These are so hen-a-licious!
    Now I pee my pants.

  8. Anonymous6:22 pm

    Beautiful feathers
    Spring is upon us
    Tag your it


  9. Anonymous6:25 pm

    Ha! Colonel Sanders
    You are long dead and buried
    Chickens rule the roost

  10. Anonymous7:49 pm

    Hmmm. Syllables or what the Japanese call "on" sounds, in the necessary sequence? My technical adjudicator says it's not a case of syllables, though is often misunderstood to be. I'm confused, about everything. I don't do Haiku so I prefer to be a miserable pedant instead.

  11. Anonymous7:53 pm

    Rampant cockerel
    he is working at the IMF
    sadly No means Yes

    (with apologies to Jams O'Donnell, see above)

  12. Anonymous8:10 pm

    Yikes! Chickens scare me.
    Cuz they will poke your eyes out.
    My Granny told me so.

  13. By unpopular request.


    Georgiana's head
    flowers before Errol Flynn.
    A flower no more.

  14. This one's for the roosters...

    I am chicken King
    Watch me strut my sexy stuff
    Hens are all a-flutter.

  15. I had a good one at 2am this morning, I should have gotten up and wrote it down! Now I can't remember it!

  16. I am called The Lord Gaga
    I’m gender challenged
    Peck the girls or peck the boys?

  17. Anonymous6:02 pm

    Feathers, beaks and claws
    Ancient as the dinosaurs
    Funny friends for life

  18. Have you thought of pinning this to the top of your blog for the duration of the comp Knatolee?

  19. Pentadactyl limbs
    Flap longingly for true love
    Roosters are at hand

  20. How the HELL am I going to pick a winner with all this excellence?

    Jams, I was trying to figure out how to pin it to the top. Are you able to explain, or point me in the right direction? :)

  21. Hmmm... I think I should publish an illustrated book of this stuff!

  22. "pentadactyl"... hahahahahahahaha!!!!

    i think I'm going to have to give out more than one prize.

  23. Jim, I really appreciate the utter simplicity of your haiku. Such beauty in its clean lines!

    Jams, you are seriously going to make me wet my chair, I am laughing so hard... Ahab isn't helping. "Apron for Chickie" indeed!

  24. TTPT, I was hoping someone would bring Colonel Saunders into this!

    You know, Andrew, for a miserable pendant you wrote quite a fine and amusing haiku. And who is your technical adjudicator? Mrs. Andrew??

    Eileen, your haiku evokes a true country air and takes me right to the coop itself.

    HWB, your haiku leads me down the dark and dirty corridors of my mind...

  25. Wandering Cat, at least he's not Chicken A LA King! :)

    Mo, that one was worth waiting for. I AM THE LORD GAGA! I AM! I AM!

    And TTPT, I like your gentle follow-up.

  26. I wish not... Alas!
    chicken breasts and many legs
    I cook and devour.

  27. Anonymous11:37 pm

    Chicken crossed the road
    We ponder eternally
    But bird brains know why

  28. This is... this is simply glorious. You have made my day with this constest, and once I put my thinking cap on, I will be back with a couple -potentially mediocre- haikus.

  29. Claude, your haiku is stunning in its truth! I am off to eat a chicken-pesto fougasse.

    TTPT, excellent. Chickens are wiser than we think!

    Taylor, so glad to be of service. I look forward to your entries and we don't judge here (well, except for when it comes time to dole out the prize!) All haikus are heartily welcomed!

  30. Anonymous1:37 pm

    No Cialis for
    Mr. Beaker or Errol
    Always good to go

  31. I always struggled with Haiku so this is my underwhelming contribution...

    Chickie's Song
    Feathers lost, so sad
    Spa vacation, I arise
    Beaker! Hear me roar

  32. Marilyn, it is magnificent. Truly poetic!

  33. TTPT, I am sending you the dry-cleaning bill for the office chair I just peed in from laughing so hard...

  34. runs but cannot hide
    yielding her virginity
    hen is chaste but caught

  35. Anonymous9:12 pm

    Beaker loves lovin'
    He cannot select just one
    Taste just like chicken


    The sky is falling
    Gaga tweeted his package
    Chickie is outraged

  36. Jams, a FABULOUS play on words! you're so clever.

    CogDis, I am dying of laughter here...

    These are all TOO TOO good for a mere comments section in a blog!!!


  38. Pullet of my heart
    Unknowable beautious hen
    Your feathers hold light.

    Knatolee - what fun - just as good as sunshine. Am headed back out to the garden to weed.

  39. Unwilling Ladies
    Gallus Gallus Domesticus

  40. Sophie's a gourmand.
    Chicken droppings appeal to
    the true connosseur.

  41. Pretty chickens dance
    On skinny yellow legs
    A moment of romance...
    A dozen eggs.

  42. Anonymous6:47 pm

    I am Chicky girl
    Stop that Beaker, Chick seeker
    Spike my saddle, please

  43. Beaker Boy6:51 pm

    Beaker here
    If Chicky's near
    my rampant cluck
    to her will steer
    It's not a Haiku
    Do I give a damn?
    One bad Rooster's
    What I am

  44. Chickens, you may say
    I have a headache tonight
    to a strutting coq.

  45. Chicky, the coy minx,
    Cons all with sly hi-jinx.
    Runt of the sex-links?

    Indeed, no such thing!
    From the phone booth emerges
    a caped crusader.

  46. Barbara, I like that. You know chickens well, and how their feathers can be iridescent in the sun! :)

  47. Katnip, what can I say? That is SUBLIME. "Cock-a-doodle don't"...I love everything about your haiku!

  48. Ahab, you know my dog too well. HAHAHAHAHA!!

    Fran, you're getting two dozen eggs today. :)

    Andrew, you made me spit tea all over my keyboard. LOVE it, LOVE IT!! Must paint sign with that haiku on it and hang it in coop!

    "Beaker", nice to see you checking in here. I don't care if it's not haiku; it's BRILLIANT!!!

    Claude, excellent advice, especially for poor Chicky!

    HWB, I am hugely impressed by how you rhymed so many words ending in "x"!

  49. And I can't believe how well all of you seem to know my chickens!!

  50. See tail feathers spread
    Flag to manly roosterness
    Hens flock to me now

  51. Preen, primp, crow and strut
    Chickens want a manly slut
    Show them rooster love

  52. Anonymous9:54 am

    Trying to pick up
    Chicks is tough. Roosters agree:
    Love is for the birds.

    Phyllis in Croatia

  53. Anonymous11:12 am

    Cordon bleu, pot pie
    Kiev, coq au vin, nugget
    noodle soup, yummy

  54. Anonymous3:37 pm

    Leopard gekko looks
    waits, silent, laughs, watches, waits
    'til lizards reign again

  55. Anonymous3:42 pm

    Gordon, Knatolee,
    chicken, dog, cat, lizard, zoo,
    birds visit, much poo

  56. Beaker feeds on corn
    Fine monocotyledons
    gird his loins for love

  57. Hens are in revolt
    We sisters need roosters like
    fish need bicycles

  58. Frowning hens confer
    We are as Lysistrata
    Sapphic love for hens

  59. Anonymous7:00 pm

    Never mind Beaker
    Who steals all my eggs? I say
    Thieving lady, ay?

  60. Just put up a post about the comp on the Poor Mouth. I hope it brings a few more fine haikus.

    The standard so far is great!

  61. lesbian chickens
    read the Well of Loneliness
    then sapphic orgy

  62. Anonymous10:33 am

    Errol Flynn's idol:
    Silvio Berlusconi
    "Let's bunga bunga!"

  63. YOU ARE ALL FANTASTIC! Every morning I read these and choke on my tea... too, too hilarious. You all deserve a prize!

  64. TTPT, you get bonus points for the use of "Silvio Berlusconi" and "Bunga Bunga" in a haiku!!

    Jams, I love that you're recognizing the diversity of the hens. And bonus points to you for the use of the word "monocotyledons"! Heck, you get 10,000 bonus points for inspiring this whole thing!

  65. Andrew, I don't know where to start. YOu worked in me, the gecko, poo... it's all so fabulous. I need to celebrate with beer.

  66. Trill, I appreciate teh delicious food imagery, even if the hens don't!

  67. Crowzma and Phyllis, your submissions are absolutely Lord Gaga-worthy!!

  68. Thwarted cockerels
    consider radical change
    Transgender rooster?

  69. Rooster ponders change
    swaps his coxcomb for moustache
    Poultry - Out and Proud!

  70. Anonymous11:42 pm

    Chicky hires Gordon
    No fury like a scorned hen
    See you in court, boys!

  71. You know, Jams, I have heard of cases of hens changing sex, and also "half and half" chickens! So your haikus are very relevant. HAHAHAHAHA!

  72. TTPT another EXCELLENT one. Gordon was pretty pleased this morning to hear he'd been featured in a haiku!

  73. Anonymous11:32 am

    Give me one moment
    Free from Errol's lustiness
    Damn the chicken wire

  74. Forty nine chickens
    government want to know if
    I have fifty birds

  75. Anonymous3:54 pm

    Man's age-old question:
    Which came first, chicken or egg
    God just smiles and winks

  76. CogDis,mere chicken wire would never stop Errol! Hahahahaha! He is a 24-hour-a-day lust machine.

    Ah, JOhn, an egg-cellent chicken-quota haiku.

    TTPT, your haiku is food for thought!

  77. Rooster is confused
    and wracked by secret yearnings
    at weekends a hen

  78. Jams, your latest has a wonderful sense of ... poetry to it. "At weekends a hen" is a line of shimmering beauty!

    Plus clearly I am going to have to keep an eye out for cross-dressing roosters in my coop... Beaker's already halfway there.

  79. Beaker's Roosters Choir3:14 pm

    Six new chicks, for sure
    Beaker and the boys approve
    Ding, dong, Cocks sing song

  80. I'm not sure which I like more, the latest haiku or the idea of a "Beaker's Roosters Choir"!!

  81. Anonymous11:43 pm

    Fresh chicks in the house!
    Beaker can't wait for them to
    Reach age of consent

  82. Sexy chickens need

  83. Beaker's Roosters Choir8:24 pm

    Cock a doodle do
    If you're a chick we'll get you
    And sing about it too

  84. Beaker Boy8:29 pm

    Eh...Age of consent?
    Of roosters you know nothing
    Chickens and stuffing

  85. You do realize, "Beaker's Roosters Choir" and "Beaker Boy", that you are going to have to own up to your true identity if you win the contest!? :)

    They are indeed excellent haikus, and I continue to be enchanted by the notion of a choir of singing Beakers!

  86. TTPT, we were laughing our *sses off at that one this morning!

    And HWB, hang on, I need to go find a dictionary!

  87. Did somebody say a choir of singing Beakers?

  88. Lord Gaga's namesake
    Hatched out of an egg like him
    And struts her stuff too

  89. Anonymous10:58 am

    Roosters' dilemma
    With all those nubile sex-links
    When will WE get laid?

  90. Anonymous12:36 pm

    Who is Beaker Boy?
    Strutting cocky, hen jockey
    look out window, see?

    It's me.

  91. Beaker has been bad
    punish me hard he cries out
    loves pain and pleasure

  92. Beaker Boy10:05 am

    Beaker's Chicky toy
    can sure keep a rooster boy
    in the saddle. Joy

  93. HWB, that was fabulous! I loved it when the violin burst into flames. I should play that video down in the coop to inspire the Beaker Boys Choir!

  94. Ahab, I like how you worked popular culture into that haiku! Or something. :)

    TTPT, another marvellous haiku, complete with double-entendre: laid/laid!

    Anonymous, not just a haiku, but a haiku that rhymes. You get bonus points for that, but if you win you have to send me your mailing info. :)

    Jams, nothing like a little S & M to spice up the coop. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

    And Beaker Boy, you too have an excellent rhyming haiku!

  95. Chicky1:26 pm

    Beaker looms, I run
    He catches me, I endure
    Don't tell, but it's fun

  96. Anonymous2:51 pm

    O Canada Post!
    Beaker's love notes to Chicky
    Languish in thy bins

  97. Chickens United5:45 pm

    Re: "mailing info" if we win (see, us chickens can do fancy admin talk you know), we 'aint in this to win, we just like clucking you about (ha ha). We are gonna have a Knat and Gordon haiku competition in the coop. Sophie tells us your secrets so we have plenty material. Yours with cross-species felicitations (and thanks for the fluffy new recruits). This writing in your stoooopid language aint really allowed cos we're supposed to pretend we are dumb birds, but think about it my dear... could a human run around for a while without its head on? All is not what it seems, you dumbsters (we just love your reaction to that old headless chicken trick :)

  98. Chief Chicken5:52 pm

    "Don't count your humans until they're dead," we say. You have no idea what we really use you for. You wouldn't want to have.

    Humans think they rule
    Ha ha sillies, go to school
    Faking dumb: our tool

  99. Sophie's warning5:59 pm

    Chicken pie Chicky
    giblet soup and spice stuffing
    Human love? Nothing

  100. Anonymous6:03 pm

    This is the 100th comment. Pointless, but it is. People (and other species apparently) like a good poetry challenge

  101. Gecko6:12 pm

    Yawn, Boring, Boring...
    Waiting, Warming, Waiting, Yawn,
    Lizard Dawn, come on...

  102. Ah, so "Chicky" might need to be disqualified because "Chicky" is one of the contest judges, but I will make sure "Chicky" gets a free meal out of this, which might ease the pain of disqualification!

  103. TTPT, that is awesome, incorporating the current Canada Post strike into your haiku. Fanastic!

  104. CHickens United, you are scaring me. Am I going to have to arm myself when I visit the coop? Is a visit to KFC in order??

  105. Chief Chicken, (isn't that called a rooster?), while your haiku is excellent, I quibble with the fact that it is not technically a HEN haiku!

  106. Sophie (you traitor, betraying family secrets to the chicken world!) that sounds just like you. It's all about the giblets. Do the hens know?

    Andrew, congrats on post #100!

  107. Poor Gecko, always neglected, always bored!

  108. Anonymous6:54 pm

    Chickens are jealous
    Kitty pool in the basement
    Dude, where's our hot tub?

  109. Mayor Ford decreed
    he would not march this Sunday.
    Beaker has more pride.

  110. Earthquake strikes Japan!
    Reverberations from the
    lustiest chickens?

  111. Anonymous9:24 pm

    Royal visit soon
    All the hens are practicing
    Feathery curtsies

    Errol bows deeply
    Then he salutes Prince William
    Beaker ogles Kate

  112. One hundred haikus
    And what can we expect here?
    Pullet surprises.

  113. Anonymous5:17 pm

    Beaker the sneaker
    Chicken seeker and freaker
    He's always eager

  114. Beloved Rooster
    Beloved Hen
    rush my frying-pan!

  115. Where is Julius?
    There's fur in the chicken coop
    Carnivorous hens

  116. In secret conclaves
    there is murmuring, plotting
    hens will rule the world

  117. Jams O'Donnell -- Hey, hens can't be any worse than our current crop of leaders! :)

  118. TTPT, EXCELLENT! I love how you incorporate recent household events (kitty pool) into your haiku.

    And for those who don't live in Toronto and may not have grasped the full magnificence of Happy Wombat Boy's "Ford" haiku:

    I can't believe the Mayor of Toronto had to get his Mommy to talk on the radio for him. Such a loser.

  119. HWB, such poetry to your Japan earthquake haiku. It's wonderful in so many ways: sex, current events, and mentioning Japan in a Japanese form of verse!

    TTPT, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the royal visit reference. And you KNOW Beaker. Not in the biblical sense, of course!

  120. "Pullet surprises", nice pun HWB! I would expect nothing less from you!

    Andrew, rhyming haikus get BONUS POINTS!

    Willie, you are SHAMELESS. No prize for you! (But maybe some eggs.)

    "Where is Julius?
    There's fur in the chicken coop
    Carnivorous hens"

    HAHAHAHAHA! Jams, you are going to win SOME kind of prize for the quality and quantity of your haikus. Another thing of magnificence.

  121. Ahab, I think the hens would do a MUCH better job of leading our countries. And if people got out of line, the hens would simply peck out their eyeballs. Problem solved!

  122. reminiscences
    Bantam hens shimmer blackly
    Free range happiness!

  123. Jane, how beautiful!! Nice to see someone around here has class (certainly not me!)

  124. Beaker Boy7:42 pm

    "Hens changing sex," ay?
    Please God not the other way
    No hen me, I pray

  125. lovely chicken eggs
    beautiful treasure inside
    a hens best laid plans

  126. Chicky6:48 am

    If my eggs
    had legs
    they could run from egg stealer
    like I run from Bad Beaker
    But we'd both get caught
    We're lowest of the lot

  127. Anonymous6:02 pm

    New picnic table?
    Hens whisper among themselves
    "Are we the main dish?"

  128. A summer moon pales
    On mother’s feathers, soft
    A chick’s bright eye peeps

  129. niwa tori wa
    mayonaka kite
    kitsune naku

    (The hen when,
    Midnight comes
    The fox cries.)

    © 2011 Nicholas Robinson

  130. CHef Nick, those are beautiful, and you get BONUS POINTS for the Haiku in Japanese. Wow!

  131. Beaker Boy, I like the SHakespearian/Transgender tone of your latest effort!

    Chicky, why indeed? The eternal question.

    Sugar Creek, I love that double entendre: "best laid plans" hee hee!

    Fantastic work, all of you! Thanks for giving me a month's worth of laughs. We'll get the judging done in a couple of weeks but to me, you're all winners!!


Thank you for all your comments, which I love to read!