Monday, April 06, 2009

The fight for Farm Boy bag supremacy!!!!

Well. Who knew a 99-cent bag could provide such amusement?

We do most of our grocery shopping at the Farm Boy store in Cornwall. This is our favourite grocery store chain EVER, and we have lived in four provinces, so I've had experience with groceries. The produce is really nice and varied (the organic section needs help, but I have yet to find a decent organic produce section in any of the grocery stores I've frequented) and the meat/fish department, cheese counter and everything else are great. But what makes it our favourite is the staff. The staff, and the fact that there are practically never any line-ups, because they always have the check-outs adequately staffed. I don't know what Farm Boy is paying their staff at the Cornwall store, but whatever it is, they should double it. The cashiers are courteous, fast, helpful and most important of all, tolerant of my slightly warped sense of humour (Gordon is generally my straight man.)

No doubt most of the cashiers, some of whom have gotten to know us, think we are slightly bent, but they always laugh at our jokes and keep on smiling. So Farm Boy managers, give those hard workers BIG FAT RAISES! And that includes that nice fellow who helps with bagging, collects buggies and so on. And the meat counter staff. And the food-to-go staff. Hell, just give raises to everybody. They are all good!

But back to cats. So, the 99-cent bag. I left one on the floor yesterday as I was putting away groceries. Here's what happened.

"Is this a paw I see before me?"

Well, looketh at that. An Alex-kitty be attacheth-ed to the paw.

ALEXIO: "Foul human, leavest thou me to mine slumber!"

ALEXIO: "But hark! What kitten through yonder doorway bursts?"

NAOMI: "Be thou not pissed, sweet Alex. It is I, thine one and only love Naomi. I pray thee, giveth me not a hassle. Submit thee to the whirlwind of thy passion and giveth me that BAG! For sweet and young am I, and 'tis well to hand over the bag shouldest thou wish to receive ever again the gentlest and softest of mine kisses."

ALEXIO: "I will speak daggers to her, but use none!"

ALEXIO: "Thou dost my bag STEALETH? I thinketh not. Fair is foul, and foul is fair! Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it. By my sacred catnip, sweet Naomi fast turns sour, is now the witch and NOT the flower! Begone, begone!"

NAOMI:(as an aside)"Stars, hide your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires." (to Alexio) "I have no spur to prick the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself and falls on the other. Handeth over the bloody bag!"

ALEXIO: "What trickery hast thou perpetrateth on me? Howeth on EARTH did thou scramblest into mine bag so nimbly, liketh a dog on a bone, or a fly on poo? Out, damned spot! OUT, I say! Vile Naomi, I curseth the queen-cat that brought about thy existence!"

ALEXIO: "The wench is stark mad or wonderful forward!"

NAOMI: "Of all things living, a tomcat's the worst!"

NAOMI: "Faceth facts, Alexio. What's done is done. Thine bag is mine."

ALEXIO: "There is no evil angel but Love. All is lost. I shall consoleth mineself with a large bowl of mine crunchiest kibble."

And thereby hangs a tail. Or two.

(Apologies to the Bard! And look for my Clanger and others here.)


  1. Anonymous4:36 pm

    You and Alexio are KILLING this literature major.....


  2. Love it! Tooo funny (and I am not feeling clever enuf to even try to tackle The Bard tonight!)

  3. thou has just created a masterpieceth! ;o)

  4. LOL- you are too funny!

  5. Anonymous2:48 pm

    I will speak daggers to her, but use none!

    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA god the whole "10 acts" were hysterical :DD ... I love your Cat Shakespeare.

    and Farm Boy sounds like a GREAT store! nice bags too. I suppose the cats would prefer if they were a little more "crackely" though ;)

    and what's up with the peach stuff? did you have a peach background?

  6. I had a peach background for ten minutes. Then I flushed it.

    I art gladeth that the masses are enjoying mine butchering of the Bard!

  7. Such an entertainment! I love it and will be back for more.

    Wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog. It's always nice to meet new online friends.

    Totally agree with you on the whole Billy-Bob thing. I'm guessing it's a publicity stunt to get more play than it would have otherwise. Poor Gian.

    Take good care, M

  8. Michele, I too was thinking that Billy Bob was creating a publicity stunt. But geez, you'd think he'd want GOOD publicity. I guess his band is so mediocre that ANY publicity will do!!

  9. Fie! and forsooth! Thou mak'st such clever japes. Would that I could read more, perchance? You cracketh me up.

  10. Frannie, at some point I willeth attempteth some more slaughtering of the great Bard!


Thank you for all your comments, which I love to read!