Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Fruitcake is evil and must be stopped...

...but because I love my husband, who is totally misguided and adores this stuff, I made a dark, rum-soaked fruitcake last Saturday. I hate fruitcake so much that I have a button with the word "fruitcake" in a red circle, with a red diagonal slash through the word. Like this:

Now mince tarts or mincemeat pie, THOSE are delicacies well worth eating at this time of year, and I am in fact making and canning mincemeat (the meatless kind) today. Homemade shortbread? Fantastic! Dephal's peppermint bark? Truffle mice (see recipe at end)? To die for! But fruitcake is an abomination. A blight on the face of respectable society!

But like I said, I love Gordon. So...

Here is the evil, vile batter, chock full of fruits and raisins and peel and pecans. And rum. I don't even like rum, but I think it's the best thing about fruitcake.

Eeeeeeeevil! Eeeeeeeeeevil! Look at those glistening candied cherries! Those revolting bits of candied pineapples! The noxious candied peel! And enough raisins to rot out a classroom-full of children's teeth!

Tristan, who will eat anything (the dog eats cardboard toilet paper rolls and wild turkey poo, for God's sake), would just love to help rid the world of a bowl of fruitcake batter. Out of respect for Gordon's twisted love of fruitcake, I could not let this happen.

The cake took three hours or so to bake, and I was so eager to get it out of my sight that I forgot to photograph the finished product. It is now wrapped in rum-soaked cheesecloth, awaiting Christmas. I should have made it months ago so it could ripen properly, but Gordon claims not to mind devouring a young fruitcake. And so I will release the beast (the fruitcake, not Gordon) at Christmas.

Incidentally, it's snowing again, and some large storm is supposed to whack us Friday. I see snow in the forecast for Sunday, too. White Christmas, anyone? Remind me again why I live in Canada, so close to frigid Ottawa and icy Montréal?

Happy holidays, all!

Pages devoted to the hatred of fruitcake:

Twelve things you didn't know you could do with a fruitcake

Truffle Mice Recipe
from Canadian Living

4 oz semisweet chocolate, melted
1/3 cup sour cream
1 cup fine chocolate wafer crumbs
1/3 cup icing sugar
Garnish gold or silver dragees (eyes)
slivered almonds (ears)
licorice (tails - whip licorice is best)

In bowl, combine chocolate and sour cream. Stir in the chocolate crumbs, mix well. Cover and refrigerate until firm, about 1 hour. Roll scant tablespoonfuls of chocolate mixture into small balls slightly pointed at one end. Roll lightly in icing sugar or chocolate wafer crumbs. Place on waxed paper. For each mouse, insert dragees for eyes, almond slivers for ears and small bits of licorice for the tails. Refrigerate until firm about 2 hours. (Truffles may be stored in an airtight container in the fridge for up to two weeks.)

Yield: two dozen


  1. Anonymous10:08 am

    Tell Gordon he is not alone. I LOVE fruitcake. You can make me one anytime! --Moggy

  2. Have you tested keeping the mice for two weeks or is that an estimate? Nothing chocolate lasts for that long in my house!

  3. I am w/ you on the evils of fruitcake! My mother in law makes one every year - and no matter how much I protest - she always cuts me a slice and says just try it - you'll like mine! Of course I say it's good. (But it's not!!! YUCK!!!!)

  4. I have never seen the mice last even a week!

    I love how people have such strong opinions on fruitcake. :)

  5. Anonymous1:01 pm

    ...ok as I wipe away tears of laughter ....

    the batter does look vile.

    and I don't think that I've ever had a fruitcake that I thought was worth the effort of making it, but what is the holiday without one (or two)?

    You are to be commended on your ability to set aside your hatred for the sake of the dear Mr. C.

    :)) tell him as much as I love him, I would NEVER do that...hahahhaha.

  6. NK, you would never make Gordon fruitcake, yet you expect me to leave him to you in my will?!?!?! How can I trust you to care for him properly if you won't tend to his Christmas baking needs??! Hahahaha!

    And actually, the mincemeat I currently have on the go is far more trouble than that damn fruitcake was. Or is is "fruit cake"? One word or two? It doesn't matter... I spell "fruitcake" thusly:


  7. Shellmo, you are an excellent daughter-in-law to eat your MIL's fruitcake. I have to choke down my MIL's "Cake 'n' Sauce" dessert from a box. It's a very painful experience, but I manage to smile through it. ;) Sometimes she'll add real apples to it (no doubt the ONLY real ingredient) but still I struggle to maintain a cheerful demeanour as I swallow.

    You know what? I hate "Cake n Sauce" more than fruitcake. I wonder if they even still make it? My MIL hasn't cooked for me in over two years (due to me not having set foot in Toronto since 2005. My in-laws come here for visits!)

    "Cake n Sauce"... more like "Chemicals n Sauce!"

  8. Light fruitcake (one word) is much better than dark fruitcake. And all wedding cakes should be fruitcakes. It's tradition!

  9. Tradition schmadition! Didn't it used to be traditional for traitors to be drawn and quartered, and their heads stuck on pikes? Some traditions NEED to die. Bwahahahaha!

    Btw, HWB, Gordon (freak) PREFERS dark fruitcake. I made him a beautiful blonde fruitcake a few years back, but this time he requested dark!

  10. I am with Gordon on this one. I love, love, love, love, love, luuuuuuuuurve....fruit cake...yum yum...did I say I Lovvvvvvvvvve fruit cake? Yep..I LOVE IT!!!

  11. Never mind the fruitcake (which I love), take a look at that mixer! I lust after it.

  12. That mixer was worth every penny!!!

  13. I'm with you on the mixer & anit-fruitcake.

    Btw, I made Phyllis's peppermint bark last week and it was a big hit.


Thank you for all your comments, which I love to read!