Tuesday, November 01, 2011

The 2011 Knatolee's World DUCK LIMERICK CONTEST!



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, ducks of all ages, it's time for the first (and perhaps only) Knatolee's World DUCK LIMERICK CONTEST! You may recall the hugely-popular Hen Haiku contest from last June. Well, I've raised the bar! Now I want you to write a limerick on the subject of ducks or ducklings (or both.) Guest appearances by chickens are allowed.

The best limerick will be chosen by an expert committee no doubt made up of the same people who judged the Hen Haiku Contest. (We'll see if Richard gives me the gloved finger again!) The winner will receive a prize, but frankly I have no clue what that will be yet, so you're just going to have to write your limerick with the knowledge that if it is sufficiently outstanding, you'll get some kind of gift that smells and looks better than duck poop. The contest is open to all citizens of the world who live in a place with mail delivery. Husbands of Knatolee are disqualified, as are ducks of Knatolee, but anyone else can enter. The deadline for this FABULOUS contest is December 4th and I can't promise you how soon we'll get to judging after that, but we'll do our best.

If you don't know how to write a limerick, check out this link. And this one

Here's an Edward Lear limerick that includes the birthplace of my grandmother, Kilkenny:

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

Off you go! Get writing and leave your limerick in the "comments" section. Good luck and bonne chance!

PS: Don't forget to  check out The Musical Gardener's contest. I guarantee his prize is  better than mine will be!

87 comments:

  1. What, no comments ALL DAY? Are limericks just too hard? Come on, people, you can do it!

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  2. I'm already planning the duck cake!

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  3. There was a young duck who was ailing
    His doctor said he ought to go sailing
    So he hired a boat
    But the thing wouldn't float
    And the last that I hear he was baling!

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  4. Many apologies, that final word should read 'bailing'!!

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  5. Pear Tree Log, that was WONDERFUL!! And I didn't even notice the typo, probably because I live on a farm with lots of hay-baling going on all around me. :)

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  6. Ronna, I am looking forward to that!

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  7. A randy young drake named Dan
    Had a fiendishly sexy plan
    In circuitous loop
    he would ramraid a coop
    and make off with cockerel au van.

    Still not feeling great. Will try better later

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  8. I've been trying but I just cant stop making Duck rhyme with a word too inappropriate for such a lady's blog (but highly appropriate for your eager man ducks and roosters).

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  9. There once was a duck from Nantucket
    Who got himself stuck in a bucket,
    Where he found it dismaying
    To hear someone saying,
    “Unstuck it? Ah, fuck it. Just pluck it!”

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  10. Jams, even when in the ER, you are GOOD!!!

    Andrew, what lady are we talkin' about here? Ronna Duck?

    Professor Longnose, your effort is MOST EXCELLENT!

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  11. Some muscovies boarding with Knatolee

    For the most part did get along splendidly

    But when pin feathers bleed

    A cannibal need

    To sample blood rises up fiendishly!

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  12. There was a young ducking named Amy
    Who quacked "No! Don't try to tame me."
    She did her own thing
    Imperiled body, beak and wing
    Becoming an object of in-fame-y.

    Okay, I know I was stretching it with the last line, but I was just so frustrated that infamy doesn't rhyme with Amy. Thanks for the contest. This is fun.

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  13. Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
    She always dreamt to fly,
    Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
    But she never even tried!
    Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
    Would you ever fly?
    Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
    If someone said you'd die?
    Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
    Because you can't fly?

    Would you? Would YOU?

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  14. Charlie Sheen was a duck who was horny
    Nat found his advances quite corny
    Yet he humped her hot calf
    Only making her laugh
    Now he's buried his pain in duck porny.

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  15. Knat's "good" friend Willie was visiting the ducks
    and thought quack,quack,quack,
    you know what,
    I will get my roasting pan out
    and have a good snack
    with the biggest duck.

    But Knat was not happy with that Idea
    and told Willie dear,
    get out of the duck-run
    and leaf my ducks run
    or you are due to a good whacking,
    well,so much for duck snacking.

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  16. Charlie, libidinous duck
    was never afraid of a ruck
    He'd fight cats, dogs and hens
    swans both cobs and pens
    or a heron if he was in luck

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  17. It was dark, the moon shone bright
    as a car drove lightning fast slowly
    around the corner wide
    standing inside ducks sat silently
    absorbed in quack,quack,quack,
    as a stuffed duck was skating on the sand track!

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  18. Il y a un canard...
    Ach this French is too hard...
    I'll see Claude's efforts later
    and use Google translator...

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  19. A burly young duck named Hank
    Was built like a Challenger Tank
    He thought he'd impress
    the girls couldn't care less
    so he had to make do with a w**k

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  20. Ahab, I am SO pleased you worked in the cannibalism aspect. EXCELLENT! BONUS POINTS!

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  21. Evlyn, I am all for stretching words a bit to make the limerick work, and your efforts were outstanding! :)

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  22. Sophie, a thing of utter beauty, and I see you put it on your blog as well. Marvellous! The photo on your blog is the perfect accompaniment!

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  23. Cog Dis, I would like you to pay the dry cleaning bill for my office chair, which I peed in because I laughed so hard at your limerick.

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  24. Ms Sunshine, it's a wondrous poem but I suspect it is not technically a limerick.

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  25. Jams, YOU get bonus points for incorporating the word "w**k"!!!

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  26. bloody well trying to write one for 30 minutes...
    I will return)

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  27. I know haikus are easier than limericks! Don't give up, John. I have faith in you.

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  28. A handsome Cairina moschata
    did yearn for an inamorata
    but a fatal attraction
    and female over-reaction
    means now he is duck chipolata

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  29. A slightly edited version of the above:

    A handsome Cairina moschata
    did yearn for an inamorata
    but a fatal attraction
    and an over-reaction
    means now he is duck chipolata

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  30. A smelly young duck from Bombay
    Was the subject of gossip and play
    Cats licked their jaws
    And sharpened their claws
    Then made him their 'dish of the day'

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  31. Hope you don't mind if I fix some errors in mine:

    There was a young duckling named Amy
    Who quacked "No! Don't try to tame me."
    She did her own thing
    Imperiled beak, web and wing
    Thus becoming an object of in-fame-y.

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  32. Jams, SPLENDID! I am too, too impressed by your use of LATIN! BONUS POINTS!

    Pear Tree, excellent use of the feline element. Keep 'em coming; you are a serious threat to Jams' throne!

    Evlyn, I shall submit the corrected version to the judging committee!

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  33. A rosy pink duck called Cherry
    Was known to be loud and merry
    She'd eat seed and grain
    But couldn't refrain
    From dunking her fruit in sweet sherry

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  34. While skating, a duck had bad luck
    When a punk said to him, “Hey, you! Duck!”
    He stood up and said—loud—
    “Yeah, I am! And I’m proud!”
    And got hit in the head with a puck.

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  35. Indian Runner Ducks played cricket
    They took a spectacular wicket
    With style and with flair
    The ball caught in mid-air
    Mallards and Loons called 'That's the ticket!'

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  36. An American duck named Obama
    Was recovering from political trauma:
    Only one thing will cure me!
    I know it quite surely
    A duck-cake from that master baker Ronna

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  37. A duck and a drake and a bee
    Walked into a bar on a spree
    The barmen, those meanies,
    Said, "No more martinis!"
    And the bee replied, "fiddle-dee-dee!"

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  38. I went out with my family this week,
    for a meal and a general meet
    It was cooked by a master,
    could not have come faster,
    and I had the duck tossed in pasta


    (I did, honest, and it was good. Duck tagliatelle in creamy sauce. Yummy, yummy, yummy.)

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  39. PTL, you are too, too good.

    Marcia, bonus points for working in the political aspect! (Is that a lame duck? ha ha!)

    Frannie, bonus points for including the honey bees.

    And Andrew, why am I not surprised at your entry? I must say, I've been wondering where you were. Off deep-frying Mars Bars, I suppose.

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  40. What the hell is this -
    Ducks get their own limericks?
    Hens prefer haiku.

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  41. A talented duck called 'Our Mabel'
    Excelled at knitting in cable
    She would swap her mags
    Talk patterns, share fags
    Sipping tea, with her friends, at the table


    Exhausted,
    of Lincolnshire
    x

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  42. I saw a fat duck in the sky
    and I thought you'd be fine in my pie
    but as I loaded my gun
    he made a low diving run
    and dumped his duck shit in my eye

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  43. Slightly risque one here, I hope you don't mind.

    A cheeky young duck called Tracey
    Wore panties all frilly and lacy
    Her high kicks
    And low flicks
    Soon earned her the label of racey!

    Sorry, but this one is worse

    Cunning linguist cat, Jack
    Was filled with desire to quack
    He heard duck song
    Mastered their tongue
    But seriously injured his back!

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  44. A young cheffy duck from Bell-eau
    Was given his own T.V. Show
    He made souffles in dishes
    Cooked succulent fishes
    And won three awards in a row

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  45. The big jolly cobbler in Crewe
    Decided he fancied a stew
    He sent for a duck
    But soon lost his pluck
    When the duck said "How do you do?"

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  46. Remember when prepping a mallard
    To sing it a beautiful ballard.
    The duck will relax
    And practice its sax;
    Then run around headless in the barnyard.

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  47. Stephen, that's a thing of, well, if not beauty, then limerick luminosity. I notice it is mainly my male readers who speak of eating my ducks, but if you are going to write funny limericks like that, I shall allow it! :)))

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  48. Pear Tree, "risqué" is perfectly acceptable around here!! Thank you for today's excellent additions. :)

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  49. A duck to a window once snuck
    To secretly watch people fuck.
    When the folks in the bed
    Caught him red-winged, he said,
    "Ain't ya hoid of me? I'm 'Peeking Duck'?"

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  50. Professor Longnose:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Fantastic. Love the play on words, too (Pekin/peeking)

    Good to see someone lowering the tone, too! ;)

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  51. A duck named Warren came to stay
    With Natalie for a holiday
    The ducks looked askance
    As he took a stance
    Much to MacGregor's dismay

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  52. Glad you liked it. I think I still have one more duck pun in me, but I'm not sure.

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  53. I duck called Dave
    Couldn't behave
    So he ended up
    In a duck prison

    When released on parole
    He persisted to dole
    Such serious stuff
    He couldn't learn his lesson

    So down on his luck
    This troublesome duck
    Got sent
    To John Gray's Field

    Where he was subjected to gross public indecency on a daily basis!

    I'm no poet...

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  54. Amy Winehouse was bloody and bruised

    From adventures wherever she cruised

    But since she's grown bigger

    Is "she" a boy? Go figure.

    Just don't call her gender-confused

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  55. A duck once went the shop
    And bought himself a laptop
    He started a blog
    Which made all agog
    Once he started he just couldn't stop

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  56. A sprightly old duck from Niagra
    Took a new wife named Diana
    In order to satisfy
    He needed to fortify
    And had to send out for viagra

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  57. Hungry Harry9:13 pm

    That is a nice duck
    but who gives a fuck?
    My belly is empty
    so it's out of luck

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  58. There once was a drake named MacGregor
    who fancied himself king of the kegger.
    But when the ducks started to swim
    in the beer meant for him,
    He switched his tipple to vodka from lager.

    p.s. Have you heard the CBC radio show where people go to a bar and read from their teenaged diaries as evening entertainment?

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  59. There once was a duck with a knack
    For spotting ideas out of whack
    When psychic, faith-healer,
    Astrologer, dowser,
    Walked by, he'd proclaim "Quack! Quack! Quack!"

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  60. Is Hollywood lacking in pluck?
    They spend millions on movies that suck
    So why won't they give me
    The ultimate turkey:
    A sequel to Howard the Duck!

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  61. Andronagall7:17 pm

    There once was a duck
    that said "life, it does suck,
    arse in the water or wading in muck,"
    But the he met Knatolee
    and was whisked to her warm knee
    and left wondering why
    he got a wash and blow dry
    Then he settled at Knat's place
    with a big grinning happy face
    and thought "life is just fine
    now that Knat's home is mine"

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  62. Andronagall7:20 pm

    Oh heck. Why do the typos only jump out at you once posted? Ach and ahem...I'll try again:

    There once was a duck
    that said "life, it does suck,
    arse in the water or wading in muck,"
    But then he met Knatolee
    and was whisked to her warm knee
    and left wondering why
    he got a wash and blow dry
    Then he settled at Knat's place
    with a big grinning happy face
    and thought "life is just fine
    now that Knat's home is mine"

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  63. Hungry Harry, while not technically a limerick, your poem is great and you get bonus points for obscenities!

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  64. Andronagall, I don't think yours is technically a limerick either, but its beauty and eloquence makes me forget that fact.

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  65. Barbara, EXCELLENT effort, I love it! And I have heard that CBC show and it was so funny. I read my spy diary out loud to Gordon and it took me back to that show.

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  66. Infidel 753: SPLENDID! They are both SPLENDID! :)))

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  67. Chris, belated kudos to you as well! I like the inclusion of John Gray. Bonus points!

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  68. Ahab, I am now pretty sure AMy is a boy, but haven't come up with a new name yet!

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  69. A duck limerick can't be too hard
    A Swansong, an ode to canard
    What with Rouen and Pekin
    Indian runner,Venetian
    Muscovy, Blue Swedish and Mallard

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  70. In this contest I'm bound to partake
    Some wondrous wise poem create
    While ducks are the topic
    I'm slightly myopic
    Is their patron saint, Francis Drake?

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  71. When the ducks found out that Nats
    Had done a blog post about bats
    They pulled out pin feathers
    Stayed out in all weathers
    Said 'Bats won't do a thing for your stats!'

    With the usual apologies about your name Natalie.

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  72. Andronymous2:43 pm

    Andronagall
    Doesn't "do" technical
    And Hungry Harry
    Just couldn't care-y
    But they'll contort for a rhyme
    that is oft far from fine
    and the truth to my shame
    is they're one and the same.
    I have many names
    cos I like to play games
    but I've run out of luck
    trying to rhyme this with duck...
    Oh no, see I did it
    so I'm not such an idiot :)
    This isn't a limerick
    but you'll just have live with it
    Let the others get in
    and go for the win
    with their limerickerish rhymes
    full of ducks in their lines

    (Oh deary, deary me). I quit.

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  73. An admiral lost his whole fleet
    And so total was his defeat
    That that night, in his bath
    He wailed out, full of wrath
    "Hell -- even my rubber duck sank!"

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  74. Andromniac Latenight7:00 pm

    There was a young lady called Knat
    who if asked would blow-dry a bat
    she's done it on ducks
    when covered in mucks
    taken photos and said 'look I did that'

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  75. Andruff7:06 pm

    There was a young duck with bad skin
    all flakey and crumbling within
    Knat said 'Hey boy you look rough'
    the duck said 'it's dandruff'
    So Knat filled a bath and said 'Duck get on in'

    ReplyDelete
  76. Andresperate7:16 pm

    'I blame Knat' - a titled Limerick:

    There was a tired man lacking sleep
    who saw ducks when he tried to count sheep
    His head was so messed
    he became rather stressed
    and thought 'Knat is a (bleep) and a (bleep).

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  77. Eugenia stayed home and baked pie
    Though in truth she was really a spy
    She knew James Bond
    From across the pond
    And frequently gave him the eye

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  78. The ducks wanted to take part
    In Natalie's sale of art
    They painted on mugs
    Decorated jugs
    And sales went right off the chart

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  79. There once was a duck named Hannibal
    Who to Natalie was quite laughable
    With a loud quack
    He jumped on her back
    But she remained unflappable

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  80. Luckily Natalie wasn't too vexed
    When Hannibal, who was highly sexed
    Would turn on the charm
    Then jump on her arm
    But her laughter left him perplexed

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  81. There once was a duck named Joyce
    Who had such a beautiful voice
    Her singing was superb
    Better than any bird
    And everyone did rejoice

    ReplyDelete
  82. There once was an enormous duck
    Who in the doorway did get stuck
    So they chopped off his wings
    Plus his other limbs
    And handed them over to cook

    ReplyDelete
  83. Hannibal's the amorous duck
    Winehouse, turns out is a buck
    There's Charlie Sheen
    Ronna the Queen
    And Squishy the one with bad luck

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  84. Some ducks just gets turned into soup
    Still others just generate poop
    But Knat's I'm a thinking
    I'll say without blinking
    Will just live long lives in their coop

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  85. As the competition draws to an end
    I'd just like to say, my friend
    I've had so much fun
    But my work here is done
    Duck limericks will no more be penned

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  86. The Late Andrew3:10 pm

    This is a (sort of) limerick arriving too late
    one day after the end by date
    just to show Knat that whatever her plans
    when we desist is really out of her hands
    But I've decided limerickicity is not what this has got
    A pathetic attempt, oh and 'ducks', I forgot...

    ReplyDelete
  87. TLA again3:14 pm

    I am pondering that term for having the properties of a limerick?

    I offered limerickicity, but perhaps it should be limerickosity, or limerickociousness, limerickity, limerickation, limerickisnhness, limerickification...?

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Thank you for all your comments, which I love to read!