Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Birthday gifts to amputate and amuse!

Gordon had a great birthday. First off, as requested, I got him a chainsaw. (He shopped for it, though; what, you think *I* could pick a chainsaw? He'd end up with something pink!) His "manly man" quotient immediately increased 1000%. Last year's purchase of a table saw had a similar effect. (Not that you weren't entirely manly to begin with, darling!! It's hard to increase on infinite manliness, but for the sake of humour, allow to me to try.)

I was worried enough about him wielding a tool that is featured in horror movies involving death by dismemberment. Then I saw the manual...

It seems as if every single page is literally SPRINKLED with WARNING! notices. If you ask me, there are more WARNING! notices than instructions! I've lost count of how many times they include the words "... can cause sudden or fatal injury."

"Sudden surprise contributes to accidents."

So I take it it's not a good idea for me to give chain-sawing hubby a treat by jumping out buck-naked from behind a tree while yelling, "Surprise!"??

Nonetheless, they forgot a few WARNINGS! :

WARNING! Opening the chainsaw box may result in a life-threatening paper cut!

Operating the chainsaw naked may result in amputation of very important male appendages!

Operating a chainsaw may cause your wife to curl into a fetal ball, fingers in ears, while chanting softly, "Please don't let him die! Please don't let him die!"

Stihl puts a LOT! OF! EXCLAMATION! MARKS! AND! BOLD! CAPITAL! LETTERS! in their chainsaw manuals.

On a brighter and decidedly less dangerous note, our friends got him another fabulous and much SAFER gift:

The amazing Gordon the Gecko! Just add water! "Hang with Gordy and be cool!" (I already do.) "Join Gordon for nighttime adventures!" (I shudder to think what he's up to after I conk out at 9:30 pm.) "You can often find him at night hanging around a porch light." (Ah, okay, that's what he's doing after I conk out at 9:30 pm!)

Who knew that Gordon had millions of microscopic hairs??!!

Don't worry too much about the chainsaw (like I'm taking that advice!) Gordon also bought all the safety gear, including chainsaw pants (unlike our neighbour in Nova Scotia, he won't use the pants to STOP his chainsaw), and his forester friend is coming by this weekend to take him out to the woodlot and give him a chainsaw safety course.

I think he should get a chainsaw athletic cup, but apparently those aren't available. Now there's a business idea for some bright light out there!

I'm hopeful that he'll do better than the poor guy in Gatineau, Quebec who last week managed to lose one hand and three fingers of the other hand in his SNOW BLOWER. Be careful out there, people!


  1. I was laughing so hard at this post! I get so nervous when my hubby fires up the chainsaw! It just doesn't seem safe! A chainsaw "cup" would make a good present for my hubby. I like Gordon's gekko present too.

  2. Shelley, maybe we should make them wear armour (as in, you know, medieval knight outfits!) when they start up their chainsaws! Or wait, do they make Kevlar chainsaw jumpsuits? Would Kevlar stop a chainsaw blade?

  3. LOL!
    That was a fun read. How are the kittypoos and doggy boys reacting to the sounds of the chainsaw?

  4. I was hoping you'd play with the choking warning on the Gecko gift. Nice comedic juxtaposition with the chainsaw dangers. Happy Birthday, Gordon!!!

  5. Happy birthday, Gordon!

    My hubby got tools for his birthday this time, too. And I do worry about him, because this is the man who broke his foot playing Wii (and recently rebroke it playing softball). At least he has no need for a chainsaw!


Thank you for all your comments, which I love to read!