Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, ducks of all ages, it's time for the first (and perhaps only) Knatolee's World DUCK LIMERICK CONTEST! You may recall the hugely-popular Hen Haiku contest from last June. Well, I've raised the bar! Now I want you to write a limerick on the subject of ducks or ducklings (or both.) Guest appearances by chickens are allowed.
The best limerick will be chosen by an expert committee no doubt made up of the same people who judged the Hen Haiku Contest. (We'll see if Richard gives me the gloved finger again!) The winner will receive a prize, but frankly I have no clue what that will be yet, so you're just going to have to write your limerick with the knowledge that if it is sufficiently outstanding, you'll get some kind of gift that smells and looks better than duck poop. The contest is open to all citizens of the world who live in a place with mail delivery. Husbands of Knatolee are disqualified, as are ducks of Knatolee, but anyone else can enter. The deadline for this FABULOUS contest is December 4th and I can't promise you how soon we'll get to judging after that, but we'll do our best.
Here's an Edward Lear limerick that includes the birthplace of my grandmother, Kilkenny:
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Off you go! Get writing and leave your limerick in the "comments" section. Good luck and bonne chance!
PS: Don't forget to check out The Musical Gardener's contest. I guarantee his prize is better than mine will be!
PS: Don't forget to check out The Musical Gardener's contest. I guarantee his prize is better than mine will be!
What, no comments ALL DAY? Are limericks just too hard? Come on, people, you can do it!
ReplyDeleteI'm already planning the duck cake!
ReplyDeleteThere was a young duck who was ailing
ReplyDeleteHis doctor said he ought to go sailing
So he hired a boat
But the thing wouldn't float
And the last that I hear he was baling!
Many apologies, that final word should read 'bailing'!!
ReplyDeletePear Tree Log, that was WONDERFUL!! And I didn't even notice the typo, probably because I live on a farm with lots of hay-baling going on all around me. :)
ReplyDeleteRonna, I am looking forward to that!
ReplyDeleteA randy young drake named Dan
ReplyDeleteHad a fiendishly sexy plan
In circuitous loop
he would ramraid a coop
and make off with cockerel au van.
Still not feeling great. Will try better later
I've been trying but I just cant stop making Duck rhyme with a word too inappropriate for such a lady's blog (but highly appropriate for your eager man ducks and roosters).
ReplyDeleteJams, even when in the ER, you are GOOD!!!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, what lady are we talkin' about here? Ronna Duck?
Professor Longnose, your effort is MOST EXCELLENT!
Some muscovies boarding with Knatolee
ReplyDeleteFor the most part did get along splendidly
But when pin feathers bleed
A cannibal need
To sample blood rises up fiendishly!
There was a young ducking named Amy
ReplyDeleteWho quacked "No! Don't try to tame me."
She did her own thing
Imperiled body, beak and wing
Becoming an object of in-fame-y.
Okay, I know I was stretching it with the last line, but I was just so frustrated that infamy doesn't rhyme with Amy. Thanks for the contest. This is fun.
Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
ReplyDeleteShe always dreamt to fly,
Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
But she never even tried!
Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
Would you ever fly?
Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
If someone said you'd die?
Fat Duck, Fat Duck,
Because you can't fly?
Would you? Would YOU?
Charlie Sheen was a duck who was horny
ReplyDeleteNat found his advances quite corny
Yet he humped her hot calf
Only making her laugh
Now he's buried his pain in duck porny.
Knat's "good" friend Willie was visiting the ducks
ReplyDeleteand thought quack,quack,quack,
you know what,
I will get my roasting pan out
and have a good snack
with the biggest duck.
But Knat was not happy with that Idea
and told Willie dear,
get out of the duck-run
and leaf my ducks run
or you are due to a good whacking,
well,so much for duck snacking.
Charlie, libidinous duck
ReplyDeletewas never afraid of a ruck
He'd fight cats, dogs and hens
swans both cobs and pens
or a heron if he was in luck
It was dark, the moon shone bright
ReplyDeleteas a car drove lightning fast slowly
around the corner wide
standing inside ducks sat silently
absorbed in quack,quack,quack,
as a stuffed duck was skating on the sand track!
Il y a un canard...
ReplyDeleteAch this French is too hard...
I'll see Claude's efforts later
and use Google translator...
A burly young duck named Hank
ReplyDeleteWas built like a Challenger Tank
He thought he'd impress
the girls couldn't care less
so he had to make do with a w**k
Ahab, I am SO pleased you worked in the cannibalism aspect. EXCELLENT! BONUS POINTS!
ReplyDeleteEvlyn, I am all for stretching words a bit to make the limerick work, and your efforts were outstanding! :)
ReplyDeleteSophie, a thing of utter beauty, and I see you put it on your blog as well. Marvellous! The photo on your blog is the perfect accompaniment!
ReplyDeleteCog Dis, I would like you to pay the dry cleaning bill for my office chair, which I peed in because I laughed so hard at your limerick.
ReplyDeleteMs Sunshine, it's a wondrous poem but I suspect it is not technically a limerick.
ReplyDeleteJams, YOU get bonus points for incorporating the word "w**k"!!!
ReplyDeletebloody well trying to write one for 30 minutes...
ReplyDeleteI will return)
I know haikus are easier than limericks! Don't give up, John. I have faith in you.
ReplyDeleteA handsome Cairina moschata
ReplyDeletedid yearn for an inamorata
but a fatal attraction
and female over-reaction
means now he is duck chipolata
A slightly edited version of the above:
ReplyDeleteA handsome Cairina moschata
did yearn for an inamorata
but a fatal attraction
and an over-reaction
means now he is duck chipolata
A smelly young duck from Bombay
ReplyDeleteWas the subject of gossip and play
Cats licked their jaws
And sharpened their claws
Then made him their 'dish of the day'
Hope you don't mind if I fix some errors in mine:
ReplyDeleteThere was a young duckling named Amy
Who quacked "No! Don't try to tame me."
She did her own thing
Imperiled beak, web and wing
Thus becoming an object of in-fame-y.
Jams, SPLENDID! I am too, too impressed by your use of LATIN! BONUS POINTS!
ReplyDeletePear Tree, excellent use of the feline element. Keep 'em coming; you are a serious threat to Jams' throne!
Evlyn, I shall submit the corrected version to the judging committee!
A rosy pink duck called Cherry
ReplyDeleteWas known to be loud and merry
She'd eat seed and grain
But couldn't refrain
From dunking her fruit in sweet sherry
While skating, a duck had bad luck
ReplyDeleteWhen a punk said to him, “Hey, you! Duck!”
He stood up and said—loud—
“Yeah, I am! And I’m proud!”
And got hit in the head with a puck.
Indian Runner Ducks played cricket
ReplyDeleteThey took a spectacular wicket
With style and with flair
The ball caught in mid-air
Mallards and Loons called 'That's the ticket!'
An American duck named Obama
ReplyDeleteWas recovering from political trauma:
Only one thing will cure me!
I know it quite surely
A duck-cake from that master baker Ronna
A duck and a drake and a bee
ReplyDeleteWalked into a bar on a spree
The barmen, those meanies,
Said, "No more martinis!"
And the bee replied, "fiddle-dee-dee!"
I went out with my family this week,
ReplyDeletefor a meal and a general meet
It was cooked by a master,
could not have come faster,
and I had the duck tossed in pasta
(I did, honest, and it was good. Duck tagliatelle in creamy sauce. Yummy, yummy, yummy.)
PTL, you are too, too good.
ReplyDeleteMarcia, bonus points for working in the political aspect! (Is that a lame duck? ha ha!)
Frannie, bonus points for including the honey bees.
And Andrew, why am I not surprised at your entry? I must say, I've been wondering where you were. Off deep-frying Mars Bars, I suppose.
What the hell is this -
ReplyDeleteDucks get their own limericks?
Hens prefer haiku.
I saw a fat duck in the sky
ReplyDeleteand I thought you'd be fine in my pie
but as I loaded my gun
he made a low diving run
and dumped his duck shit in my eye
Slightly risque one here, I hope you don't mind.
ReplyDeleteA cheeky young duck called Tracey
Wore panties all frilly and lacy
Her high kicks
And low flicks
Soon earned her the label of racey!
Sorry, but this one is worse
Cunning linguist cat, Jack
Was filled with desire to quack
He heard duck song
Mastered their tongue
But seriously injured his back!
A young cheffy duck from Bell-eau
ReplyDeleteWas given his own T.V. Show
He made souffles in dishes
Cooked succulent fishes
And won three awards in a row
The big jolly cobbler in Crewe
ReplyDeleteDecided he fancied a stew
He sent for a duck
But soon lost his pluck
When the duck said "How do you do?"
Remember when prepping a mallard
ReplyDeleteTo sing it a beautiful ballard.
The duck will relax
And practice its sax;
Then run around headless in the barnyard.
Stephen, that's a thing of, well, if not beauty, then limerick luminosity. I notice it is mainly my male readers who speak of eating my ducks, but if you are going to write funny limericks like that, I shall allow it! :)))
ReplyDeletePear Tree, "risqué" is perfectly acceptable around here!! Thank you for today's excellent additions. :)
ReplyDeleteA duck to a window once snuck
ReplyDeleteTo secretly watch people fuck.
When the folks in the bed
Caught him red-winged, he said,
"Ain't ya hoid of me? I'm 'Peeking Duck'?"
Professor Longnose:
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fantastic. Love the play on words, too (Pekin/peeking)
Good to see someone lowering the tone, too! ;)
A duck named Warren came to stay
ReplyDeleteWith Natalie for a holiday
The ducks looked askance
As he took a stance
Much to MacGregor's dismay
Glad you liked it. I think I still have one more duck pun in me, but I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteI duck called Dave
ReplyDeleteCouldn't behave
So he ended up
In a duck prison
When released on parole
He persisted to dole
Such serious stuff
He couldn't learn his lesson
So down on his luck
This troublesome duck
Got sent
To John Gray's Field
Where he was subjected to gross public indecency on a daily basis!
I'm no poet...
Amy Winehouse was bloody and bruised
ReplyDeleteFrom adventures wherever she cruised
But since she's grown bigger
Is "she" a boy? Go figure.
Just don't call her gender-confused
A duck once went the shop
ReplyDeleteAnd bought himself a laptop
He started a blog
Which made all agog
Once he started he just couldn't stop
A sprightly old duck from Niagra
ReplyDeleteTook a new wife named Diana
In order to satisfy
He needed to fortify
And had to send out for viagra
There once was a drake named MacGregor
ReplyDeletewho fancied himself king of the kegger.
But when the ducks started to swim
in the beer meant for him,
He switched his tipple to vodka from lager.
p.s. Have you heard the CBC radio show where people go to a bar and read from their teenaged diaries as evening entertainment?
There once was a duck with a knack
ReplyDeleteFor spotting ideas out of whack
When psychic, faith-healer,
Astrologer, dowser,
Walked by, he'd proclaim "Quack! Quack! Quack!"
Is Hollywood lacking in pluck?
ReplyDeleteThey spend millions on movies that suck
So why won't they give me
The ultimate turkey:
A sequel to Howard the Duck!
There once was a duck
ReplyDeletethat said "life, it does suck,
arse in the water or wading in muck,"
But the he met Knatolee
and was whisked to her warm knee
and left wondering why
he got a wash and blow dry
Then he settled at Knat's place
with a big grinning happy face
and thought "life is just fine
now that Knat's home is mine"
Oh heck. Why do the typos only jump out at you once posted? Ach and ahem...I'll try again:
ReplyDeleteThere once was a duck
that said "life, it does suck,
arse in the water or wading in muck,"
But then he met Knatolee
and was whisked to her warm knee
and left wondering why
he got a wash and blow dry
Then he settled at Knat's place
with a big grinning happy face
and thought "life is just fine
now that Knat's home is mine"
Hungry Harry, while not technically a limerick, your poem is great and you get bonus points for obscenities!
ReplyDeleteAndronagall, I don't think yours is technically a limerick either, but its beauty and eloquence makes me forget that fact.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, EXCELLENT effort, I love it! And I have heard that CBC show and it was so funny. I read my spy diary out loud to Gordon and it took me back to that show.
ReplyDeleteInfidel 753: SPLENDID! They are both SPLENDID! :)))
ReplyDeleteChris, belated kudos to you as well! I like the inclusion of John Gray. Bonus points!
ReplyDeleteAhab, I am now pretty sure AMy is a boy, but haven't come up with a new name yet!
ReplyDeleteA duck limerick can't be too hard
ReplyDeleteA Swansong, an ode to canard
What with Rouen and Pekin
Indian runner,Venetian
Muscovy, Blue Swedish and Mallard
In this contest I'm bound to partake
ReplyDeleteSome wondrous wise poem create
While ducks are the topic
I'm slightly myopic
Is their patron saint, Francis Drake?
When the ducks found out that Nats
ReplyDeleteHad done a blog post about bats
They pulled out pin feathers
Stayed out in all weathers
Said 'Bats won't do a thing for your stats!'
With the usual apologies about your name Natalie.
Andronagall
ReplyDeleteDoesn't "do" technical
And Hungry Harry
Just couldn't care-y
But they'll contort for a rhyme
that is oft far from fine
and the truth to my shame
is they're one and the same.
I have many names
cos I like to play games
but I've run out of luck
trying to rhyme this with duck...
Oh no, see I did it
so I'm not such an idiot :)
This isn't a limerick
but you'll just have live with it
Let the others get in
and go for the win
with their limerickerish rhymes
full of ducks in their lines
(Oh deary, deary me). I quit.
An admiral lost his whole fleet
ReplyDeleteAnd so total was his defeat
That that night, in his bath
He wailed out, full of wrath
"Hell -- even my rubber duck sank!"
There was a young lady called Knat
ReplyDeletewho if asked would blow-dry a bat
she's done it on ducks
when covered in mucks
taken photos and said 'look I did that'
There was a young duck with bad skin
ReplyDeleteall flakey and crumbling within
Knat said 'Hey boy you look rough'
the duck said 'it's dandruff'
So Knat filled a bath and said 'Duck get on in'
'I blame Knat' - a titled Limerick:
ReplyDeleteThere was a tired man lacking sleep
who saw ducks when he tried to count sheep
His head was so messed
he became rather stressed
and thought 'Knat is a (bleep) and a (bleep).
Eugenia stayed home and baked pie
ReplyDeleteThough in truth she was really a spy
She knew James Bond
From across the pond
And frequently gave him the eye
The ducks wanted to take part
ReplyDeleteIn Natalie's sale of art
They painted on mugs
Decorated jugs
And sales went right off the chart
There once was a duck named Hannibal
ReplyDeleteWho to Natalie was quite laughable
With a loud quack
He jumped on her back
But she remained unflappable
Luckily Natalie wasn't too vexed
ReplyDeleteWhen Hannibal, who was highly sexed
Would turn on the charm
Then jump on her arm
But her laughter left him perplexed
There once was a duck named Joyce
ReplyDeleteWho had such a beautiful voice
Her singing was superb
Better than any bird
And everyone did rejoice
There once was an enormous duck
ReplyDeleteWho in the doorway did get stuck
So they chopped off his wings
Plus his other limbs
And handed them over to cook
Hannibal's the amorous duck
ReplyDeleteWinehouse, turns out is a buck
There's Charlie Sheen
Ronna the Queen
And Squishy the one with bad luck
Some ducks just gets turned into soup
ReplyDeleteStill others just generate poop
But Knat's I'm a thinking
I'll say without blinking
Will just live long lives in their coop
As the competition draws to an end
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to say, my friend
I've had so much fun
But my work here is done
Duck limericks will no more be penned
This is a (sort of) limerick arriving too late
ReplyDeleteone day after the end by date
just to show Knat that whatever her plans
when we desist is really out of her hands
But I've decided limerickicity is not what this has got
A pathetic attempt, oh and 'ducks', I forgot...
I am pondering that term for having the properties of a limerick?
ReplyDeleteI offered limerickicity, but perhaps it should be limerickosity, or limerickociousness, limerickity, limerickation, limerickisnhness, limerickification...?