Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Invisible Man

I can look at these photos now and laugh, with 33 years having passed since the wedding that set all this off. In fact, I can't stop laughing...

Back in 1979, when I was 15, my mother married her second husband. Let's call him Smelly Feet, because hey, that's one of the more charitable names I have for him, and he really did have very smelly feet. 

I knew things weren't going to go well with this marriage, because my mother informed me before the wedding that she did not love Smelly Feet, and was marrying him merely for financial security. 

Let me just say that my mother had been doing just fine supporting herself as a single mother. We were living in  the four-bedroom house my Dad had bought us, with a car, food and even vacations, not to mention private clarinet lessons for me. But apparently Mum's  definition of "financial security" included lots of jewellery, Caribbean vacations, a Mercedes and a Triumph Spitfire convertible. And did I mention jewellery?

I thought she was crazy marrying someone she didn't love, and told her so, but she didn't listen to the teenager. So it was not surprising when, in 1986, the pair of them split up in a messy and acrimonious fashion. It was a long, drawn-out,nasty divorce.

Sometime thereafter, my mother cut Smelly Feet out of her life. Literally. She went through her entire photo collection and excised him with a pair of scissors. And so, I have a pile of perforated photos I inherited from Mum that feature my stepfather, aka Smelly Feet, turned into a ghostly white memory...


Smelly Feet patting our English Setter, Blue Jay.



This one kills me: my mother cutting the wedding cake, apparently all by herself!



And here's me and Mum on the wedding day, with Smelly Feets'  hands (God, that's awkward!) on our shoulders. They got hitched at Toronto City Hall, then came back to our house for the reception.

My mother had  a lot of knickknacks, including the Hercules figure slaying a lion. That's the thing on top of the hutch, bookended by a couple of hideous ceramic pheasants.


Of course, after the wedding, Mum and Smelly Feet had a nice honeymoon in Europe! Mum took many photos...


WTF? Why, why, WHY did she keep this? I can sort of understand the ones with other people in them, but this?? 


And how about the Invisible Man reaching out to a bovine...


Smelly Feet obviously liked Swiss Cows. Actually, he  kind of looks like the Invisible Penguin in profile.


 And who can forget...


...Christmas 1979. Me, my mother, and a giant white thing. Oh wait, that's Smelly Feet again. Ah, sweet memories. Good times! 

I have thought about tossing these photos but every time I rediscover them, I start laughing, so they can stay for now. :)


PS I have no excuse for the brown-tinted glasses. It was 1979, tinted shades were in, and I was an idiot.


35 comments:

  1. OMG, I laughed so hard at this. I did the same with my first real boyfriend in pictures after we broke up. I was 17, I think. I kept them and they are a source of amusement now. I don't see you ever throwing these out. :)

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    1. Nope, I don't think I will! :) They crack me up every time.

      I remember thinking after dumping my ex, "Well, not sure what I'll do with all my photos, but I sure as hell won't be cutting him out of every photo!" :) Eventually I decided to keep them all. They aren't framed on the walls, but that was part of my life.

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    1. Yep, that was my mother for you! :)

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  3. OMG - this is hilarious!

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    1. Really, she could have done a more refined job with an Xacto knife!! ;)

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  4. Nearly dropped me laptop laughing!
    Don't worry about the specs..we all had them windshield size in those days!
    Jane x

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  5. Lol, your mom was one determined woman :)

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    1. Oh yes, she certainly was! :)

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  6. OMG! I never laughed so much in my life. I love your mother. She was an extraordinary determined woman, with a great sense of survival. Smelly Feet wasn't going to destroy for her the wonderful sceneries she had seen on her honeymoon, and the good moments she had had with other people. She must have been such fun to be with. What a great humouristic spirit. You inherited it! Thank you so much for sharing those photos. You made my day!

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Claude! :)

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  7. YOU CANNOT THROW THESE OUT!!! These are great, and I laughed out loud! Ya know, when I get depressed and sad, I'm going to dig up this blog and look at those pictures!
    LOL...HAHAHAHA...LOL

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    1. I won't throw them out. Every few years I find them again and laugh!

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  8. Super post! Funny post but tragic story. I like your cool glasses. We all had in stuff like that.
    Rather a sad story about this relationship when it could have been different.
    I got a step Mom when I was 36. I had her for 31 years. she was an awesome lady.

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    1. I did like my stepdad for a long time, but my Mum did a good job turning me against him later on. In hindsight, as an adult, I can see that they both made big mistakes. It always takes two in a marriage!

      I'm glad I can look at these and laugh now. :)

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  9. Thanks so much for the laugh! She really went about cutting him out of her life. I had glasses just like those in 1972.

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    1. Hoo boy, she was one angry woman! Get out the scissors! Glad I'm not the only one who fell victim to an eyewear trend! ;) (Didn't it bother me that the world was always tinted orangey-brown?)

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  10. I had the same glasses.

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  11. This post, those pictures and you are hilarious. I laughed throughout it but then nearly fell off my chair when I got to the last picture. Cut-out Smelly Feet actually looks like a shoe!

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    1. OMG, you're right! He does look like a shoe!!

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  12. This is FANTASTICALLY FUNNY! Best laugh of the week!!!

    Just goes to show that money can't buy ... er ... a picture is worth ... um (hehe)

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  13. One way to expunge memories of a bad marriage I suppose. I wore grey tinted glasses in the 80s myself!

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    1. Glad to know I wasn't alone!

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  14. Your mom couldn't have made a more artistic statement, a la conceptual art, if she had tried. These photos are amazing and could be in an avant garde exhibition somewhere. Very funny and provocative at the same time.

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    1. You know, that would be a really interesting show, wouldn't it?!

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  15. LOL!!!! Never, ever throw these out. They are priceless. And never, ever stop laughing at them either!

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  16. Hilarious and sad at the same time

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    1. Mostly hilarious now that so much time has passed!

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  17. My husband's grandmother used to do the same thing! Only she cut out the woman who was briefly her son's second wife. (And sometimes other people who pissed her off. Ha!)

    I agree with Evlyn--the cut-outs make interesting conceptual art pieces. Smelly Feet looks like a giant chicken feeding the Swiss cows.

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    1. Hahahah! He does! I love what people see in the silhouettes.

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  18. Ha ha I love the invisible shapes!

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    1. Me too. SHe didn't use a very refined cutting technique. ;)

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Thank you for all your comments, which I love to read!