There once were young ducklings who starred, In their own video; each was a card, Their antics were charming Though some times alarming "For us" they quacked,"being cute is not hard!"
Natalie had some ducks who were terrible They all started to become cannibal They pecked at each other But mainly their brother Who's name had to be changed to Hannibal
A hungry young duck from Nantucket Stuck his head in a milk bucket His friends had to laugh When a cheeky young calf Said 'I'm not drinking that now - just chuck it'
Please block me from seeing this site any more - my head won't stop coming up with 'limericks'. It's driving me mad!!!
LBM, you are producing some excellent work here, and I am happy to adjust the pronunciation of "Gaga." The December thing happens because I have to post-date the post to make sure it stays at the top.
I love your use of the cannibalism aspect! HAHAHA!
And the Squishy one is so good, I think I should make it into a work of art and hang it on Gordon's office wall... :)
I remember a duck I once knew in Pune whose fate came later rather than sooner at the hands of a chef gourmand grandee who roasted and then soused her in brandy and escaped justice on a rather swift schooner.
or
There once was a duck called Lucy whose thighs were very plump and juicy. She spent all of her life fleeing the knife in the disguise of an indigent goosey.
or maybe
There once was a French duck called Goringe who was partial to the fruit of the orange So he went to live in Florida but found there was nothing horrider and anyway apples were safer.
Elaine of PTLog asked me to lower the tone, if possible, so here goes:
Once upon a time a rather short duck was reversing his rather wide truck when he suffered terrible explosive flatus resulting in a certain sudden hernial hiatus and filling his wide truck with duck muck.
There once was a little mouse who was blue From thinking of duck limericks, it's true They went round in her head But she needed her bed And will be back tomorrow with new
There were lots of ducks on Nat's farm But their diet was filled with alarm They had their routine Of eating Poutine Surely it would do them some harm?
Ian, what can I say? Your poetry is spectacular! And I was glad to see some lowering of the tone. Last summer, my Hen Haiku contest sank into debauchery!
This morning, Gordon sat with me and read all of these out loud to him. Who knew I had so many gifted poets amongst my readers? I suspect I shall be mailing prizes to the UK when this is all said and done...
LBM, no limit on entries! I love getting up every day and having new limericks to read, although I keep spitting tea on my keyboard, which is not helpful...
There once was a duck with portfolio, Who despaired at the Dow Jones imbroglio. He cried, "If I buy stocks From the Kochs and the Sachs, Does it mean that I, too, have no soul-io?!
(Pardon me. I have a bit of an obsession going with #OWS.)
Hannibal Duck had no teeth, Said "Thee how my pin feather bleedth." Amy said, "You taste nice!" And he yelled, "Jethuth Chritht! Thomebody call the po-leeth!"
CogDis, I'll be sending you another dry-cleaning bill for my peed-on office chair seat again... I read that one out loud to Gordon and scared the dogs with my laughter.
And Little Blue Mouse, you are ON FIRE!! You go, limerick girl!
A straight-laced duck lived next door To a pimp and a second class whore When she complained Of the noise that they made They said "Come on don't be a bore"
There once was a common merganser Who, asked for a date, wouldn't answer. Till a frustrated wigeon renounced his religion And hollered, "at least let me pants her."
Gordon the Duck, an exceptional host World renowned for making good toast Spread it with butter Shaped with a cutter Then awarded prizes for eating the most!
There once lived a duck with Natalie Who was not getting on at all happily He packed up his bags Said goodbye to the lads And headed for Greater Napanee
Pear Tree, Gordon is very impressed that you included him and toast in a limerick. And did you know I have a chicken named Georgiana Duchess of Devonshire?
LBM, I have spent an inordinate amount of time in Napanee and I can tell you that it is NOT GREAT.:) BUt bonus points for your excellence use of Canadian towns and cities in today's limericks!
You ladies get a lot done before I'm even out of bed in the morning. Of course, being on Greenwich Mean Time helps...
I think that duck might be a bit disappointed when he gets there!
There was a vile duck from the border Who's manners were well out of order She cursed and she swore And spat on the floor No wonder everyone abhorred her
Tina Turner was down at the farm With Penelope, Henrietta and Charm With tail feathers curled They spun and they twirled Then high-tailed it back to the barn
LBM, I am very much enjoying this morning's submissions as I eat a fresh poached egg on toast. Despite the fact that I was eating when I read it, I'm amazed you found a rhyme for "diarrhea"! ANd I am impressed that you worked in the local animals (porcupines and bears!) We have lots of porcupines but there is also the occasional black bear sighting around here.
The ducks on the farm have just latterly Taken to having breakfast with Natalie Eggs they won't eat But toast is a treat And they eat it all up so happily
There was a Mom-duck from Glengarry, Whose defense of her brood was quite scary; She said "Get away from my young Or I'll rip out a lung And send you off to the infirmary.
Evlyn, you have captured Mama-duck's personality and intentions PERFECTLY!
ladies, you have all made EXCELLENT submissions this morning. Little Blue Mouse, if you want to include some Canadiana, I grew up near the Scarborough Bluffs (sadly, Scarborough, Ontario is CONSIDERABLY Uglier than Scarborough, England!!!)
There lived a timid duck in Brighton That the other ducks all would frighten They told him stories With lots of gories Until his little face would whiten
Growing up in the Scarborough Bluffs Natalie would dream of English muffs They're hens you'll learn (She's not on the turn) And anyhow now ducks are enough
Pear Tree and Little Blue Mouse, you are both on a magnificent roll! But I won't retire you!
Where to begin? I love the inclusion of Warren and the duck spa, the English muffs and the Scarborough Bluffs (the muffs prefer to hang with the ducks anyway and are honorary ducks), 1812 Overture, the marriage proposal from MacGregor... on and on it goes! Amazing limericks! :)
While the ducklings were snoring and napping The ducks were quacking and flapping For there in their house Was Little Blue Mouse Re-booting her laptop and tapping!
Apologies to LBM, I just couldn't resist the image!
A horse-riding duck from Texas Abandoned her horse for a Lexus She quickly drove to a farm Did horse-vaulting with charm And was one of the best chicken sexers
I have to admit a great liking For vegetarian duck - 'The Viking' He is tall and engaging Conversation's wide ranging Can be seen on The Wolds, push-biking
Ladies, I can't keep up with your magnificence! LBM, Gordon wore a kilt to our wedding but fortunately he restrained himself while dancing. No highland flings! :)
Pear Tree, I had to go look up "smew"! What beautiful ducks. WE don't seem to have them in Canada, as far as I can tell but I'll do further research.
There was a young duck called Jill Who had a very unusual bill. It was for thirty-one shillings, from a duck dentist, for drillings (Not including scale, polish & fill).
I remember a lively young duck called Janus, who had a preternaturally loud anus. He could fart like a trumpet you could like it or lump it, but his recitals were always most heinous.
Natalie thought she would be a hit If she took the ducks out for a bit But how inopportune To go to Alfred lagoon They quacked "This is a load of shit"
Pedro and Buddy threatened the fabric of Society when they teamed up together in impropriety. Though they'd civil partnered to each other for life they were both forcibly given a lady-penguin as wife, thus preserving Public safety, zoo-keeper modesty, and piety.
Eh... do these entries get accepted when they have been put in the wrong place by people who didn't follow the link but commented on the post containing the link?
There once was a bunch of blog fools who just couldn't follow the rules they posted their phrases in all the wrong places like dunces in corners at schools
There once was an entry by Andreferee who lived her life so perfectlee that once she'd got over herself she crawled back on the shelf before anyone took her comments seriouslee...
There once was a bunch of blog fools who didn't give a fig for the rules. We were all rather frantic, not nearly quite so pedantic: very few of us went to nerd skools.
Our match referee, she was a real duck. A little older; I'd say post nip and tuck. But she wore her strict rulebook like armour, might have lived longer, if she'd been calmer, and just trusted to the Judges, and luck.
An adventurous young duck bought a Ferrari. Took to loafing around a lot, drinking Campari. Went to some very strange clubs, one or two swish ex-pat pubs, and ended up driving around Delhi in a Sari
I wish that my duck hunting days in Poonah had ended much later rather than sooner. We shot cannon from elephant howdah, sent servants to fetch more gun powdah, and then trampled the old garden pruner.
There once was a duck named Louisa Who farted if anyone did squeeze her Most drakes stayed clear Just one showed no fear He had no sense of smell in his sneezer
Andreferee, we are not particularly strict here at Knatolee's World (that would be the royal "we") so OF COURSE your lovely entry counts. however, if you do win a prize you are going to have to give me some way to get in touch with you. :)
I do have one rule that must be adhered to: if you don't have "duck" or some reference to that species (I don't care if you don't use the actual word "duck") in your limerick, you are disqualified from prizes. But I will still be happy to see your limerick! So, Owl Wood, the duck-free limericks won't get you far, but you've submitted so many hilarious duck-laden ones that I don't think it's going to hurt your chances one bit. :)
Owl Wood, the "Poonah" limerick is oh-so-colonial. LOVE it! Especially since I had some English great-grandfather who toddled off to India for a spell. :)
And I adore the Pedro & Buddy limericks, I grew up in Toronto and when the zoo opened in 1974, my school raised funds for several animal purchases. My grade bought a flying squirrel! (COuldn't have been very expensive, since they are native to this area.) I am appalled at their interference in the Pedro-Buddy bromance!
it's hard to keep you with the comments! But I also loved Pear Tree's "gender-confused" remark. STill more bonus points to you for knowing my ducks so well. Maybe the next contest will be "Name the duck I thought was a boy but is actually a girl!"
Owl Wood's limericks did not qualify As Natalie this morning did verify Just one cotton picking minute Andreferees entry had no ducks in it So surely that is also a disqualify?
Convinced that Muscovy-talk is not babble Gordon got the ducks an education - a dabble He paid their school fees And held spelling bees Now they're World Champions of Scrabble
There was a young duck who was grumpy His mood was all horrid and lumpy He went to the vet Who said "Right, get set We'll soon sort you out with some pumpy"
There was a posh duck named Alice Who's coop was just like a palace She had cake stands in tiers Crystal chandeliers And drank her water from a chalice
A duck was placed in quarantine After events that were unforeseen It was her siblings endeavours To eat her pin feathers "Well we heard they were full of protein"
There once was a man (not) called Andreferee Who was alarmed when Owl Wood assumed he was a laydee Though his words were in jest he now thinks it is best to desist in his work as a referee
A young duck named Andre Fur-ee once invited the vicar to tea. They discussed existentials and rules, supplementals and worried us so needlessly...
One fine day in the middle of the night two dead ducks had a terrible fright when back to back they each got roasted, boiled, microwaved, steamed and then toasted (until cook got the old recipe just right).
She tried to get in Gordon's good books By mentioning him and his good looks And it can't do any harm To allude to his charm And of course she didn't forget the ducks
There once was a duck named Eugenia Who suffered from hypoglycemia - Her diet was changed, Her work-outs free-ranged - She now leads a life of Bohemia.
There once was a duck called Imelda Who turned the stomach of all who smelled her Neither old dead fish Nor rotting rubbish Were as bad as the smell of Imelda
A duck full of whiskey was gay, And decided a robber to play. He boasted aloud To those in the crowd, "I'll quack open the safe,and wad all the bills faraway."
A duckling was playing in water Splashing about more than she ought-er By the time she had finished The water had diminished Leaving hardly enough for a saucer
I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with responding to your wonderful limericks the past few days, but I read them every morning and LOVE them! And you may truncate my name as much as you want. :)
LBM, apparently two of the ducks wanted a spa treatment today. They are segregated in the (warm) garage. The feather-picking is driving me nuts! But I love the limericks!
There lived an amorous duckling named Nell, Spent all her days in a love spell. On the stars made a wish, Her love moved forward for a kiss. Swooned so hard that she fell down the well.
I would like to enter this contest, but I'll have to take some time to read up on Limericks. Congratulations on writing a post that has commanded such a great response. Maybe you could put together a book?
A young Mandarin duck called Lee
ReplyDeleteInvited the Queen to tea
They ate scones and cakes
From fine china plates
In the shade of an old cedar tree
What a lovely limerick, Pear Tree! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThere once were young ducklings who starred,
ReplyDeleteIn their own video; each was a card,
Their antics were charming
Though some times alarming
"For us" they quacked,"being cute is not hard!"
Natalie had some ducks who were terrible
ReplyDeleteThey all started to become cannibal
They pecked at each other
But mainly their brother
Who's name had to be changed to Hannibal
Hey I've just noticed you're into December already! Have you put your month forward instead of your clock?
ReplyDeleteThere was a young duck called Ronna
Who had to fight for her honour
From Charlie to MacGregor
And even Lord Gaga
They all tried to jump on her
You have to (slightly) change the pronunciation of Gaga to make that fit!
ReplyDeleteOoh I'm on a roll now
ReplyDeleteThere once was a duck named Squishy
Who was really rather dishy
She fell at the feet
Of Gordon (who is sweet)
But it all seems rather fishy
A hungry young duck from Nantucket
ReplyDeleteStuck his head in a milk bucket
His friends had to laugh
When a cheeky young calf
Said 'I'm not drinking that now - just chuck it'
Please block me from seeing this site any more - my head won't stop coming up with 'limericks'. It's driving me mad!!!
A confused young duck from Tyree
ReplyDeleteDecided to climb a big tree
Of course he got stuck
Gave a weedy cluck
'Won't someone please rescue me'
Please, save my brain. Ban me!! These limericks keep chugging round my brain.
Are you kidding, Pear Tree? No way am I going to stop you! These are GREAT!!
ReplyDeleteEvlyn, AWESOME!
ReplyDeleteLBM, you are producing some excellent work here, and I am happy to adjust the pronunciation of "Gaga." The December thing happens because I have to post-date the post to make sure it stays at the top.
I love your use of the cannibalism aspect! HAHAHA!
And the Squishy one is so good, I think I should make it into a work of art and hang it on Gordon's office wall... :)
Pear Tree, you are really eloquent!
ReplyDeleteOn an omnivorous foodie theme:
ReplyDeleteI remember a duck I once knew in Pune
whose fate came later rather than sooner
at the hands of a chef gourmand grandee
who roasted and then soused her in brandy
and escaped justice on a rather swift schooner.
or
There once was a duck called Lucy
whose thighs were very plump and juicy.
She spent all of her life
fleeing the knife
in the disguise of an indigent goosey.
or maybe
There once was a French duck called Goringe
who was partial to the fruit of the orange
So he went to live in Florida
but found there was nothing horrider
and anyway apples were safer.
- This thing is both addictive and infectious - my brother, Ian Hutson (see above) has started doing it now!
ReplyDeleteAn elderly duck called Toast
Was convinced that he'd seen a ghost
He quivered and shook
He read the Good Book
Sold up and moved to the coast
A tough-talking duck called Paul
Got involved in a bar-room brawl
He reached for his gun
And set it to 'stun'
So no ducklings were harmed at all
Elaine of PTLog asked me to lower the tone, if possible, so here goes:
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time a rather short duck
was reversing his rather wide truck
when he suffered terrible explosive flatus
resulting in a certain sudden hernial hiatus
and filling his wide truck with duck muck.
There once lived a duck at the Rowe's
ReplyDeleteWho wandered wherever he chose
He went here and there
To Natalie's despair
So she chopped off all of his toes
A fat little duck called Jess
ReplyDeletePlayed really intelligent chess
She'd happily sing
While losing her King
Then take her opponent's Queen Bess
There once was a sad little duck
ReplyDeleteWho thought she was all out of luck
To try and fit in
With the hens, was a sin
So what if she couldn't cluck?
and
A duck named Eugenia did hatch
The cutest ducklings in a batch
From small balls of fluff
They grew just enough
And now they're the best on the patch
A sad little duck had a pout
ReplyDeleteWhen someone else ate his trout
He settled for chips
And took cheering sips
From a lovely big glass of stout
...Knatolee, please release me, let me go...
There once was a duck with a plight
ReplyDeleteFor he was afraid of flight
To be in the sky
Way up so high
Would surely fill him with fright
A sexy young gosling called Fred
ReplyDeleteTried to lure Clara to bed
Her parents found out
And gave him a clout
Now he's wooing a Mallard instead
I thought I'd just done this but it's not showing up.
ReplyDeleteThere was a young duck from Quebec
Who had a very long neck
He tied it in a knot
But then he forgot
And found that he couldn't peck
LBM, I found the first "Quebec" limerick in my blogger spam folder! Maybe it didn't like the word "peck".. hahaha!
ReplyDeleteYou people are AMAZING!!!! I shall clearly be awarding more than one prize in this contest. I am so impressed!
ReplyDeleteThe first time Knatolee went home
ReplyDeleteAnd found her ducks using the phone
She had a big grin
'Til the bill came in
Now she's having to take out a loan
There once was a duck called Campbell
ReplyDeleteWho went for a very long amble
He walked into town
In his long black gown
And called at the bookies for a gamble
There once was a duck from Dundee
ReplyDeleteWho needed to go for a pee
The toilets were shut
So he went in the hut
With which the other ducks didn't agree
There once was a duck from Sheffield
ReplyDeleteWho's eggs gave a very good yield
She laid every day
And asked for no pay
Except to have a grape peeled
There once was a little mouse who was blue
ReplyDeleteFrom thinking of duck limericks, it's true
They went round in her head
But she needed her bed
And will be back tomorrow with new
A handsome young Abacot Ranger
ReplyDeletePut himself into some danger
He went to the vet's
(small animals, pets)
And fell deeply in love with a stranger
A flirtatious gander called Ben
Started an affair with a hen
He showed her his knees
She melted like cheese
But he married a good duck instead
Knatolee and Gordon's farm
ReplyDeleteIs a place where ducks learn charm
They sing and they play
have a musical day
Protected from hunters and harm
A miserly spendthrift called Nate
ReplyDeleteCharges his ducks when they're late
When the pond froze
Ice pinched their toes
He charged them a dollar to skate!
Knatolee - Sorry, I sent off my nocturnal ramblings in draft form - could you allow me a correction, please?
ReplyDeleteIt's for the one about flirtatious gander, Ben - the final line should read:
'But he married a good duck called Jen'
Natalie I think you ought to put a restriction on entries - can I suggest no more than 500 per person? ;)
ReplyDeleteThere was a duck named MacGregor
Who's reputation was mega
Most ladies adored him
But Eugenia ignored him
He's never been able to bed her
There was a young duck from Poole
Who was always acting the fool
He did silly walks
And juggled with forks
The other ducks thought he was cool
There was a plump duck from Dorset
ReplyDeleteWho couldn't fit in her corset
She tried breathing in
And trying to be thin
But ended up having to force it
A duckling called Amy went weak
ReplyDeleteSeeing a reflection of her beak
"I can't show my face
Around this place
I look like a total freak"
There were lots of ducks on Nat's farm
ReplyDeleteBut their diet was filled with alarm
They had their routine
Of eating Poutine
Surely it would do them some harm?
Ian, what can I say? Your poetry is spectacular! And I was glad to see some lowering of the tone. Last summer, my Hen Haiku contest sank into debauchery!
ReplyDeleteThis morning, Gordon sat with me and read all of these out loud to him. Who knew I had so many gifted poets amongst my readers? I suspect I shall be mailing prizes to the UK when this is all said and done...
ReplyDeleteLBM, no limit on entries! I love getting up every day and having new limericks to read, although I keep spitting tea on my keyboard, which is not helpful...
Little Blue Mouse, BONUS POINTS for the inclusion of poutine in your poem!!!
ReplyDeleteNo limit eh? You may be snowed under with entries from PTL and myself by next month!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which
There once was a duck from Nepal
Who had a most terrible fall
She broke both her legs
And all of her eggs
And then couldn't go to the ball
An evil old duck from the East
Invited all to a feast
He murdered them all
From short to tall
And ate them all up, the beast
A chubby young duckling called Jim
ReplyDeleteDecided to try and get slim
He worked on his abs
Got rid of the flabs
And now he's learning to swim
Are you kiddin'? Keep 'em coming, LBM!
ReplyDeletePTL, if only my three-legged cat would take that health advice...
ReplyDeleteThere once was a duck with portfolio, Who despaired at the Dow Jones imbroglio.
ReplyDeleteHe cried, "If I buy stocks
From the Kochs and the Sachs,
Does it mean that I, too, have no soul-io?!
(Pardon me. I have a bit of an obsession going with #OWS.)
There was a fat duck named Bill
ReplyDeleteWho always ate his fill
One day in a hurry
He ordered a curry
But regretted it when he became ill
There once was a duck from Bolivia
Who's name was Violet Olivia
Someone did say
Are you here for the day?
"Of course not" she replied "I live here"
A duck flying high overhead
Dropped a dollop on Gordon's head
He looked up in shock
As the rest of the flock
Took aim, and filled him with dread
Hannibal Duck had no teeth,
ReplyDeleteSaid "Thee how my pin feather bleedth."
Amy said, "You taste nice!"
And he yelled, "Jethuth Chritht!
Thomebody call the po-leeth!"
There once was a duck from Newquay
ReplyDeleteWho loved to be by the sea
When he wasn't surfing
He could be found turfing
He was a gardener you see
CogDis, I'll be sending you another dry-cleaning bill for my peed-on office chair seat again... I read that one out loud to Gordon and scared the dogs with my laughter.
ReplyDeleteAnd Little Blue Mouse, you are ON FIRE!! You go, limerick girl!
A straight-laced duck lived next door
ReplyDeleteTo a pimp and a second class whore
When she complained
Of the noise that they made
They said "Come on don't be a bore"
There once was a common merganser
ReplyDeleteWho, asked for a date, wouldn't answer.
Till a frustrated wigeon renounced his religion
And hollered, "at least let me pants her."
There once lived a duck in Surrey
ReplyDeleteWho had to leave in a hurry
All her money was spent
Was behind with the rent
So she rushed off all in a flurry
A big strapping drake did confess
That in secret he liked to crossdress
He did it at night
Without any light
So his make up was always a mess
There once was a duck from Glengarry
ReplyDeleteWho desperately wanted to marry
The drakes all declined
So she was inclined
To take her chances with Clarry
Gordon the Duck, an exceptional host
ReplyDeleteWorld renowned for making good toast
Spread it with butter
Shaped with a cutter
Then awarded prizes for eating the most!
Georgiana, Duckess of Devonshire
ReplyDeleteCampaigned for Fox Whig in the Shire
She gave away kisses
To men, not misses
With her eyes igniting their desire
There once was a duck from Vancouver
ReplyDeleteWho was a great little mover
He did his very best
At the dance contest
And won the trophy for best groover
There once lived a duck with Natalie
ReplyDeleteWho was not getting on at all happily
He packed up his bags
Said goodbye to the lads
And headed for Greater Napanee
A young Eider duck called Ned
ReplyDeleteAte crustaceans and molluscs, it's said
He grew fat and fearless
Hunted, grew careless
Now he's a quilt on my bed!
Murr, NICE WORK finding rhymes for "widgeon" and "merganser!" I am very impressed. :)
ReplyDeletePear Tree, Gordon is very impressed that you included him and toast in a limerick. And did you know I have a chicken named Georgiana Duchess of Devonshire?
ReplyDeleteLBM, I have spent an inordinate amount of time in Napanee and I can tell you that it is NOT GREAT.:) BUt bonus points for your excellence use of Canadian towns and cities in today's limericks!
ReplyDeleteYou ladies get a lot done before I'm even out of bed in the morning. Of course, being on Greenwich Mean Time helps...
I think that duck might be a bit disappointed when he gets there!
ReplyDeleteThere was a vile duck from the border
Who's manners were well out of order
She cursed and she swore
And spat on the floor
No wonder everyone abhorred her
There was a duck in the Bahamas
ReplyDeleteWho always wore his pyjamas
Something he loathes
Is buying new clothes
Everyone thinks he's bananas
A Muscovy duck named Irene
ReplyDeleteHad a caruncle of bright green
It's also true
That her beak was blue
Oh what a sight to be seen
An opera singer called Marty
ReplyDeleteWas invited to sing at Duck's party
Love blossomed, and died
When he took Duck aside
She learned that he was castrati
There was a young duck in his teens
ReplyDeleteWho loved to dine on baked beans
But then the chump
Let out a trump
And blew everyone to smithereens
Tina Turner was down at the farm
ReplyDeleteWith Penelope, Henrietta and Charm
With tail feathers curled
They spun and they twirled
Then high-tailed it back to the barn
There once was a duck from Korea
ReplyDeleteWho went out for his very first beer
Trying to be butch
He drank way too much
And ended with raging diarrhoea
There once was a duck unaware
ReplyDeleteShe was being stalked by a bear
When she turned around
Her heart gave a pound
As she offered up a quick prayer
Reggie the duck was a lout
ReplyDeleteOf this there was no doubt
He got his kicks
From frightening the chicks
Until their mother gave him a clout
Eugenia the duck took a shine
ReplyDeleteTo a new drake who looked so fine
But what a mistake
This was no drake
But a dirty great porcupine
Pear Tree, the hens are beyond impressed that you know their names!! (Me too!)
ReplyDeleteLBM, I am very much enjoying this morning's submissions as I eat a fresh poached egg on toast. Despite the fact that I was eating when I read it, I'm amazed you found a rhyme for "diarrhea"! ANd I am impressed that you worked in the local animals (porcupines and bears!) We have lots of porcupines but there is also the occasional black bear sighting around here.
ReplyDeleteThe ducks on the farm have just latterly
ReplyDeleteTaken to having breakfast with Natalie
Eggs they won't eat
But toast is a treat
And they eat it all up so happily
A duck and a goose made merry
ReplyDeleteWith Knatolee's bottle of sherry
They dabbled and quacked
Found snails and snacked
Hitched a ride back on the ferry
Out on her rounds one morning
ReplyDeleteA duck goosed Natalie with no warning
Then to her alarm
He set about her arm
And sent all the bees a swarming
Knatolee found a pink duck
ReplyDeleteShe was filthy, covered in muck
She bathed her in bubbles
Gave lots of cuddles
Then read her a bedtime book.
A Runner duck and his best mate
ReplyDeleteDecided to enter a race
They trained together
In all kinds of weather
And finished in joint second place
A duck named Charlie Sheen
ReplyDeleteWas a veritable sex machine
He didn't give a care
If they had feathers or hair
He really was quite obscene
There was a Mom-duck from Glengarry,
ReplyDeleteWhose defense of her brood was quite scary;
She said "Get away from my young
Or I'll rip out a lung
And send you off to the infirmary.
A Welsh duck scared local farmers
ReplyDeleteWhile walking his dogs, in his 'jamas
Badgers said "Hi"
Gave him the eye
While stealing his grain and bananas
With apologies to Going Gently - hey who am I kidding? With thanks to him for having such a funny experience!
There was a young duck from the West
ReplyDeleteWho was the runt of the nest
He took gym classes
And ate his molasses
And now he's as good as the rest
Ronna-duck went to the city
ReplyDeleteBut found her feathers got gritty
When she came home
She borrowed a comb
While splashing and singing a ditty
A large group of English Muffs
ReplyDeleteWith the ducks came to fisticuffs
There was such a fight
The ducks all took flight
And retreated to Georgian Bluffs
A duck took a trip to the lake
ReplyDeleteWhere it met a friendly snake
"Will you join me for lunch?
There's plenty to munch
And to finish a home made cake"
There once was a duck from Calcutta
ReplyDeleteWho was often heard to mutter
Very strange things
About jellyfish and slings
He really was quite a nutter
Pear Tree, I love the inclusion of JOhn in your limerick!
ReplyDeleteEvlyn, you have captured Mama-duck's personality and intentions PERFECTLY!
ReplyDeleteladies, you have all made EXCELLENT submissions this morning. Little Blue Mouse, if you want to include some Canadiana, I grew up near the Scarborough Bluffs (sadly, Scarborough, Ontario is CONSIDERABLY Uglier than Scarborough, England!!!)
My husband was my best friend
ReplyDelete'Til I drove him round the bend
When the limericks started
Friendship departed
No more limericks, The End!
A musical duck from Ontario
ReplyDeleteLoved music, especially Berlioz
He plays with one hand
On a baby grand
Began lessons barely a year ago!
...could I stop limericking, Of course not!
When Natalie sought to inspire us
ReplyDeleteShe planted a nasty virus
Now my poor brain
Can't take the strain
I'm waiting for her to retire us.
A lovestruck young drake from Fife
ReplyDeleteCarved in a tree with his knife
"Drake MacGregor
Loves Natalie Forever"
Then asked her to be his wife.
Ha ha PTL, it's so hard to resist!
ReplyDeleteThere once was a duck with a talent
Which wasn't at first apparent
If she touched her toes
Whilst holding her nose
She played the "1812" from her vent
There lived a timid duck in Brighton
ReplyDeleteThat the other ducks all would frighten
They told him stories
With lots of gories
Until his little face would whiten
Growing up in the Scarborough Bluffs
ReplyDeleteNatalie would dream of English muffs
They're hens you'll learn
(She's not on the turn)
And anyhow now ducks are enough
On one quiet day in the run
ReplyDeleteThe hens were basking in the sun
The ducks were all sitting
Doing their knitting
Making hats and scarves for everyone
Natalie had a duck spa
ReplyDeleteWhich was famous near and far
Warren did sing
"I've broke my wing
just what I need, hurrah!"
There once was a duck from Geneva
ReplyDeleteWho woke with a terrible fever
He had a hot toddy
Which made him less groggy
And filled him with joie de vivre
A duck from Lennox County
ReplyDeleteTrained to be a Mounty
He was top notch
No mission did botch
And always got his bounty
Pear Tree and Little Blue Mouse, you are both on a magnificent roll! But I won't retire you!
ReplyDeleteWhere to begin? I love the inclusion of Warren and the duck spa, the English muffs and the Scarborough Bluffs (the muffs prefer to hang with the ducks anyway and are honorary ducks), 1812 Overture, the marriage proposal from MacGregor... on and on it goes! Amazing limericks! :)
While the ducklings were snoring and napping
ReplyDeleteThe ducks were quacking and flapping
For there in their house
Was Little Blue Mouse
Re-booting her laptop and tapping!
Apologies to LBM, I just couldn't resist the image!
Ha ha, I love it!
ReplyDeleteA duckling was rushed to the vet
ReplyDeleteAfter puffing on a cigarette
He turned so green
From the nicotine
That's a lesson he'll never forget
Pear Tree, bonus points for including Little Blue Mouse in your limerick!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of mice, we found one drowned in the ducks' water bucket yesterday... :(
One November was unusually warm
ReplyDeleteIt really was not the norm
The hens went a-dating
The ducks started mating
And the bees began to swarm
Gordon and a young duckling
Were doing the Highland Fling
They danced 'cross the floor
And out through the door
And were never seen ag'in
A Muscovy duck called Charlie
ReplyDeleteOften got lost in the barley
They called out his name
Usually in vain
'Cos Charlie was cuddling Carly
An artistic duck called Rosie
Wore a ring in her nose, and a posy
She took up a brush
Gave it a push
And painted a Muscovy's nosey
When a duck spat in Chef's eye
ReplyDeleteHe resolved to make a pie
He chased duck around
Duck couldn't be found
So Chef opened a tin, with a sigh
A horse-riding duck from Texas
ReplyDeleteAbandoned her horse for a Lexus
She quickly drove to a farm
Did horse-vaulting with charm
And was one of the best chicken sexers
I have to admit a great liking
ReplyDeleteFor vegetarian duck - 'The Viking'
He is tall and engaging
Conversation's wide ranging
Can be seen on The Wolds, push-biking
There once was a very young smew
ReplyDeleteWho the other ducks did pursue
They made her life hell
Till she grew unwell
And made her escape by canoe
A middle-aged duck lost some feathers
ReplyDeleteWhen rolling around in the heathers
Heather got up
Drank wine from a cup
Rode off on a Harley, in leathers
There once was a duck from Nantucket
ReplyDeleteWho found a dead mouse in her bucket
The water was needed
And she succeeded
By using a straw to suck it
There once was a duck called Luke
ReplyDeleteWho was married to a coot
When their offspring were hatched
They looked a bit mismatched
But they were oh so cute
A dog and a duck went to sea
ReplyDeleteJust to see what they could see
They wore life preservers
Thought 'Lord don't desert us!'
While calling for Natalie
An exotic duck called Shu Hans
ReplyDeleteOwned some Le Creuset Pans
She knew how to cook
Without aid of a book
'Cos learnt what she knew at her Mam's
A beautiful duck named Dilly
ReplyDeleteWas thought to be rather silly
She flexed and she strained
Rigorously trained
Now she's pole-dancing in Caerphilly
Ladies, I can't keep up with your magnificence! LBM, Gordon wore a kilt to our wedding but fortunately he restrained himself while dancing. No highland flings! :)
ReplyDeletePear Tree, I had to go look up "smew"! What beautiful ducks. WE don't seem to have them in Canada, as far as I can tell but I'll do further research.
There once was a duck named Ellie
ReplyDeleteWho fell for the chef at the deli
When once in a while
He gave her a smile
Her knees would turn to jelly
LBM, love the reference to this week's mouse-drowning catastrophe! :)
ReplyDeleteThese are so great! Who knew you could write a limerick about a duck pole-daning in Caerphilly?!!
ReplyDeleteThere was a young duck called Jill
ReplyDeleteWho had a very unusual bill.
It was for thirty-one shillings,
from a duck dentist, for drillings
(Not including scale, polish & fill).
I remember a lively young duck called Janus,
ReplyDeletewho had a preternaturally loud anus.
He could fart like a trumpet
you could like it or lump it,
but his recitals were always most heinous.
Natalie thought she would be a hit
ReplyDeleteIf she took the ducks out for a bit
But how inopportune
To go to Alfred lagoon
They quacked "This is a load of shit"
Warren was a little bemused
ReplyDeleteWhen Amy stoutly refused
To give him a kiss
She said with a hiss
"Go away, I'm gender-confused"
There was a fat duck named Kate
ReplyDeleteWho ate up all the cake
And the bread and cheese
And all that she sees
And now she's got bellyache
There once was a duck called Susie
ReplyDeleteWho was a bit of a floozy
Cockerel or drake
Gecko or snake
She wasn't at all choosy
Knatolee, the tone of this page needs more lowering. Accrdingly,
ReplyDeleteA Limerick
A turkey, a chicken and duck in
the barn decided to f--k in
the sweet smelling hay
in a clandestine way
and now they resemble turducken.
Natalie's cultured ducks incline
ReplyDeleteTo a palate both clear and fine
But Gordon got cross
When he heard 'the boss'
Order them a case of fine wine
Natalie sweet-talked her hubby
ReplyDeleteInto kidnapping Pedro & Buddy
So now they roam
Round the ducks home
Making out and getting muddy
A silly young duck named Holly
ReplyDeleteWent out in the rain with a brolly
The others did laugh
At this stupid gaffe
'Cos she looked like a proper wally
Pedro and Buddy threatened the fabric of Society
ReplyDeletewhen they teamed up together in impropriety.
Though they'd civil partnered to each other for life
they were both forcibly given a lady-penguin as wife,
thus preserving Public safety, zoo-keeper modesty, and piety.
Eh... do these entries get accepted when they have been put in the wrong place by people who didn't follow the link but commented on the post containing the link?
ReplyDeleteThere once was a bunch of blog fools
who just couldn't follow the rules
they posted their phrases
in all the wrong places
like dunces in corners at schools
There once was an entry by Andreferee
ReplyDeletewho lived her life so perfectlee
that once she'd got over herself
she crawled back on the shelf
before anyone took her comments seriouslee...
There once was a bunch of blog fools
ReplyDeletewho didn't give a fig for the rules.
We were all rather frantic,
not nearly quite so pedantic:
very few of us went to nerd skools.
Ducks, ducks, damn it - I forgot the ducks!
ReplyDeleteOur match referee, she was a real duck.
A little older; I'd say post nip and tuck.
But she wore her strict rulebook like armour,
might have lived longer, if she'd been calmer,
and just trusted to the Judges, and luck.
An adventurous young duck bought a Ferrari.
ReplyDeleteTook to loafing around a lot, drinking Campari.
Went to some very strange clubs,
one or two swish ex-pat pubs,
and ended up driving around Delhi in a Sari
I wish that my duck hunting days in Poonah
ReplyDeletehad ended much later rather than sooner.
We shot cannon from elephant howdah,
sent servants to fetch more gun powdah,
and then trampled the old garden pruner.
There once was a duck named Louisa
ReplyDeleteWho farted if anyone did squeeze her
Most drakes stayed clear
Just one showed no fear
He had no sense of smell in his sneezer
Andreferee, we are not particularly strict here at Knatolee's World (that would be the royal "we") so OF COURSE your lovely entry counts. however, if you do win a prize you are going to have to give me some way to get in touch with you. :)
ReplyDeleteYou guys are KILLING me this morning. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI do have one rule that must be adhered to: if you don't have "duck" or some reference to that species (I don't care if you don't use the actual word "duck") in your limerick, you are disqualified from prizes. But I will still be happy to see your limerick! So, Owl Wood, the duck-free limericks won't get you far, but you've submitted so many hilarious duck-laden ones that I don't think it's going to hurt your chances one bit. :)
ReplyDeleteOwl Wood, the "Poonah" limerick is oh-so-colonial. LOVE it! Especially since I had some English great-grandfather who toddled off to India for a spell. :)
ReplyDeleteOr better perhaps to say "Oh so the-sun-never-set-on-the-British-Empire"!
ReplyDeleteLBM, LOVE the farting duck submission (figures; I have no class!) Hahahaha!
ReplyDeleteWe will also overlook spelling and grammatical errors, just so long as the limerick is of excellent quality! ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd I adore the Pedro & Buddy limericks, I grew up in Toronto and when the zoo opened in 1974, my school raised funds for several animal purchases. My grade bought a flying squirrel! (COuldn't have been very expensive, since they are native to this area.) I am appalled at their interference in the Pedro-Buddy bromance!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I don't think I've commented on the anus/Janus/trumpet fart limerick. I truly appreciate the tone-lowering once again, Owl Wood.
ReplyDeleteAnd HWB, you too have done a splendid job of bringing things down a notch. Those British women are just much too classy! ;)))
it's hard to keep you with the comments! But I also loved Pear Tree's "gender-confused" remark. STill more bonus points to you for knowing my ducks so well. Maybe the next contest will be "Name the duck I thought was a boy but is actually a girl!"
ReplyDeleteLBM, the gecko thanks you for remembering her!
ReplyDeleteOwl Wood's limericks did not qualify
ReplyDeleteAs Natalie this morning did verify
Just one cotton picking minute
Andreferees entry had no ducks in it
So surely that is also a disqualify?
Convinced that Muscovy-talk is not babble
ReplyDeleteGordon got the ducks an education - a dabble
He paid their school fees
And held spelling bees
Now they're World Champions of Scrabble
Oh I was thinking your gecko was a boy. Still I don't think that would bother Susie!
ReplyDeleteThere was a young duck who was grumpy
ReplyDeleteHis mood was all horrid and lumpy
He went to the vet
Who said "Right, get set
We'll soon sort you out with some pumpy"
There was a posh duck named Alice
ReplyDeleteWho's coop was just like a palace
She had cake stands in tiers
Crystal chandeliers
And drank her water from a chalice
A duck was placed in quarantine
ReplyDeleteAfter events that were unforeseen
It was her siblings endeavours
To eat her pin feathers
"Well we heard they were full of protein"
There once was a man (not) called Andreferee
ReplyDeleteWho was alarmed when Owl Wood assumed he was a laydee
Though his words were in jest
he now thinks it is best
to desist in his work as a referee
Warren came to a grisly end
ReplyDeleteWhen he went to stay with a 'friend'
From cannibal to vampire
They did all conspire
And he was never seen again
LBM, you have a point. I may have to create a special "Gay Penguin Romance" category just for Owl Woods!!!
ReplyDeleteGordon really likes it when you include him in limericks! :D
ReplyDeleteLBM, the gecko doesn't mind if we confuse her gender! :)
ReplyDeletePear Tree, I don't think I could afford to keep that Alice duck in the style to which she has become accustomed!
ReplyDeleteLBM, LOVED the protein/pinfeathers limerick!! HAHAHAHA!
Andreferee, don't leave! I shall miss you! Is that "And Referee" or "Andre Feree"? Ooo la la!
ReplyDeleteA duck was taken to jail
ReplyDeleteFor eating pin feathers from the frail
Gordon was ace
At fighting her case
And managed to get her bail
A young duck named Andre Fur-ee
ReplyDeleteonce invited the vicar to tea.
They discussed existentials
and rules, supplementals
and worried us so needlessly...
One fine day in the middle of the night
two dead ducks had a terrible fright
when back to back they each got roasted,
boiled, microwaved, steamed and then toasted
(until cook got the old recipe just right).
A duck whilst out for a walk
ReplyDeleteAnd was taken by a hawk
The others showed surprise
At his sudden demise
But all they could do was gawk
A duck ate a caterpillar
ReplyDeleteWhich very nearly did kill her
It turned into a moth
Which made her tummy froth
And certainly didn't thrill her
The ducks queued up in the canteen
ReplyDeleteWaiting to get their poutine
Then they saw Gordon's toast
Which was the most
Wonderful thing they had ever seen
She tried to get in Gordon's good books
ReplyDeleteBy mentioning him and his good looks
And it can't do any harm
To allude to his charm
And of course she didn't forget the ducks
LBM, Gordon will be voting for your limericks, I'm sure. :)))
ReplyDeleteAnd funny you should mention hawks, since a red-tailed hawk was flying over our fields yesterday, shrieking away. The ducks never like that!
ReplyDeleteOwl WOods, I can't imagine that those ducks were very tasty after all the boiling and roasting and toasting!!!
ReplyDeleteOut for a quiet stroll one evening
ReplyDeleteTwo ducks saw a very strange thing
A door was flung wide
And a mouse flew outside
Natalie's got quite a swing
There once was a duck named Matt
ReplyDeleteWho fell into a cider vat
In order not to drown
He drank it all down
And was never the same after that
A duck was out with her beau
ReplyDeleteFor the very first time in the snow
She had so much fun
Built a snowduck for her Mum
Lots of snowballs they did throw
La vie beau hen
ReplyDeleteThere once was a duck named Eugenia
Who suffered from hypoglycemia -
Her diet was changed,
Her work-outs free-ranged -
She now leads a life of Bohemia.
A duck named Charlie Sheen
ReplyDeleteWas as handsome as any to be seen
He was the perfect date
Had a G S O H
And really was quite a dream
Heartily sick of his own feathers
ReplyDeleteMacGregor said he wanted some leathers
He desired a bike
Or he'd call a strike
Refuse to go out in all weathers
There once was a duck called Imelda
ReplyDeleteWho turned the stomach of all who smelled her
Neither old dead fish
Nor rotting rubbish
Were as bad as the smell of Imelda
A duck full of whiskey was gay,
ReplyDeleteAnd decided a robber to play.
He boasted aloud
To those in the crowd,
"I'll quack open the safe,and
wad all the bills faraway."
Three little ducks liked to play
ReplyDeletePaddling and dabbling all day
When evening fell
Mum rang a bell
They'd eat hearty and then hit the hay
As the weather was very cold
ReplyDeleteWarren said she had to be told
They wanted pyjamas
Or else there'd be dramas
And QUICKLY, before it snowed!
When Natalie threw a big party
Eugenia's girls dressed a bit tarty
They sang and danced
While Charlie danced
(But his bottom was a little bit *arty)
A duck bought herself a car
ReplyDeleteFor she wanted to travel afar
She studied her maps
Planned the route to the max
And left with an "Au revoir"
The duck nearly went into orbit
ReplyDeleteWhen Natalie found her sore bit
So using a glove
Gently, with love
Nat carefully anointed the raw bit
With apologies to Natalie for truncating her name.
There once was a duck named Tina
ReplyDeleteWho longed to be a ballerina
But her arabesque
Looked quite grotesque
She just didn't have the right demeanor
A duckling was playing in water
ReplyDeleteSplashing about more than she ought-er
By the time she had finished
The water had diminished
Leaving hardly enough for a saucer
I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with responding to your wonderful limericks the past few days, but I read them every morning and LOVE them! And you may truncate my name as much as you want. :)
ReplyDeleteThere once was a duck named Rick
ReplyDeleteWho had been feeling very sick
After studying his motions
The Quack gave him potions
Which seemed to do the trick
Keep 'em coming, O Brilliant Ones!
ReplyDeleteThere once was a duck called Abby
ReplyDeleteWho always was so shabby
Her feathers were grubby
Her beak was stubby
And her legs were spotty and scabby
A duckling said to his brother
ReplyDelete"We have to help each other
If our pin feathers we peck
Natalie will check
And we'll get time in the spa, no bother"
LBM, apparently two of the ducks wanted a spa treatment today. They are segregated in the (warm) garage. The feather-picking is driving me nuts! But I love the limericks!
ReplyDeleteThere lived an amorous duckling named Nell,
ReplyDeleteSpent all her days in a love spell.
On the stars made a wish,
Her love moved forward for a kiss.
Swooned so hard that she fell down the well.
Snow fell down and water froze
ReplyDeleteDucks stand still and misery shows
Natalie knits
Hats, Scarves and Mitts
Then invites the ducks to warm their toes
When the snow began to fall
ReplyDeleteMacGregor wasn't pleased at all
He stamped his feet
Called out for heat
Warm food, warm water, shawls for all!
Kristin, marvellous! We have a well in the old milkhouse attached to our barn, and the ducks might very well fall down it. ;)
ReplyDeleteElaine, I draw the line at knitting for my ducks, ha ha!! Spa days are enough. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd Elaine, really nice work working in the snow aspect in your latest limerick.
ReplyDeleteWhen MacGregor developed a chilblain
ReplyDeleteHe shouted that he would complain
To HSC
Just wait and see
Natalie sent him to Spain, on a plane
When Natalie went out to see
ReplyDeleteWhat the ducklings fancied for tea
They all wanted bread
With a fishy spread
Washed down with juice of kiwi
I would like to enter this contest, but I'll have to take some time to read up on Limericks. Congratulations on writing a post that has commanded such a great response. Maybe you could put together a book?
ReplyDelete