Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and dogs, chickens and all other assorted flora and fauna, it's time for Knatolee's first (perhaps the only!) annual
HEN HAIKU CONTEST
There rules are simple: you must write a hen-related (and/or rooster-related) haiku in the traditional format of 5 syllables, followed by 7 syllables, followed by 5 syllables. The best Haiku will be chosen by my as-yet-to-be-selected expert committee, and the winner will receive a prize of an assortment of my chicken photo greeting cards. This contest is open to all citizens of the world who live in a place with mail delivery. Husbands of Knatolee are disqualified, as are chickens of Knatolee, but anyone else is eligible to enter. The deadline for this fabulous contest is midnight June 30th, and the winner will be announced July 1st, Canada Day! While Kate and Wills are cavorting in our nation's capital that day, one of you lucky haiku-savants will be celebrating in the glory of winning my first ever HEN HAIKU CONTEST!
To start you off, I present this exceedingly delicious haiku by the wondrous Jams at The Poor Mouth. Can you beat this? You'd better try, or Jams will be winning yet another prize:
Enter early, enter often. Good luck, people!
PS: Canada Post has just gone on strike. If they're still picketing July 1st, delivery of your prize may be delayed due to circumstances completely and utterly beyond my control!
They call me Mr. Beaker
ReplyDeleteI want all the girls
But the girls want Errol Flynn
We are all free range chickens
ReplyDeleteWe own this grand farm
Even those scaredy cat dogs
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! This is gonna be GOOD!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteRampant cockerel
ReplyDeletehe desires to spread his seed
sadly No means No
Quick, fleeting passion
ReplyDeleteLeads to missing back feathers.
Apron for Chickie!
Oh my freaking God!
ReplyDeleteThese are so hen-a-licious!
Now I pee my pants.
Beautiful feathers
ReplyDeleteSpring is upon us
Tag your it
Jeanne
Ha! Colonel Sanders
ReplyDeleteYou are long dead and buried
Chickens rule the roost
Hmmm. Syllables or what the Japanese call "on" sounds, in the necessary sequence? My technical adjudicator says it's not a case of syllables, though is often misunderstood to be. I'm confused, about everything. I don't do Haiku so I prefer to be a miserable pedant instead.
ReplyDeleteRampant cockerel
ReplyDeletehe is working at the IMF
sadly No means Yes
(with apologies to Jams O'Donnell, see above)
Yikes! Chickens scare me.
ReplyDeleteCuz they will poke your eyes out.
My Granny told me so.
By unpopular request.
ReplyDelete*ahem*
Georgiana's head
flowers before Errol Flynn.
A flower no more.
This one's for the roosters...
ReplyDeleteI am chicken King
Watch me strut my sexy stuff
Hens are all a-flutter.
I had a good one at 2am this morning, I should have gotten up and wrote it down! Now I can't remember it!
ReplyDeleteI am called The Lord Gaga
ReplyDeleteI’m gender challenged
Peck the girls or peck the boys?
Feathers, beaks and claws
ReplyDeleteAncient as the dinosaurs
Funny friends for life
Have you thought of pinning this to the top of your blog for the duration of the comp Knatolee?
ReplyDeletePentadactyl limbs
ReplyDeleteFlap longingly for true love
Roosters are at hand
How the HELL am I going to pick a winner with all this excellence?
ReplyDeleteJams, I was trying to figure out how to pin it to the top. Are you able to explain, or point me in the right direction? :)
Hmmm... I think I should publish an illustrated book of this stuff!
ReplyDelete"pentadactyl"... hahahahahahahaha!!!!
ReplyDeletei think I'm going to have to give out more than one prize.
Jim, I really appreciate the utter simplicity of your haiku. Such beauty in its clean lines!
ReplyDeleteJams, you are seriously going to make me wet my chair, I am laughing so hard... Ahab isn't helping. "Apron for Chickie" indeed!
TTPT, I was hoping someone would bring Colonel Saunders into this!
ReplyDeleteYou know, Andrew, for a miserable pendant you wrote quite a fine and amusing haiku. And who is your technical adjudicator? Mrs. Andrew??
Eileen, your haiku evokes a true country air and takes me right to the coop itself.
HWB, your haiku leads me down the dark and dirty corridors of my mind...
Wandering Cat, at least he's not Chicken A LA King! :)
ReplyDeleteMo, that one was worth waiting for. I AM THE LORD GAGA! I AM! I AM!
And TTPT, I like your gentle follow-up.
I wish not... Alas!
ReplyDeletechicken breasts and many legs
I cook and devour.
Chicken crossed the road
ReplyDeleteWe ponder eternally
But bird brains know why
This is... this is simply glorious. You have made my day with this constest, and once I put my thinking cap on, I will be back with a couple -potentially mediocre- haikus.
ReplyDeleteClaude, your haiku is stunning in its truth! I am off to eat a chicken-pesto fougasse.
ReplyDeleteTTPT, excellent. Chickens are wiser than we think!
Taylor, so glad to be of service. I look forward to your entries and we don't judge here (well, except for when it comes time to dole out the prize!) All haikus are heartily welcomed!
No Cialis for
ReplyDeleteMr. Beaker or Errol
Always good to go
I always struggled with Haiku so this is my underwhelming contribution...
ReplyDeleteChickie's Song
Feathers lost, so sad
Spa vacation, I arise
Beaker! Hear me roar
Marilyn, it is magnificent. Truly poetic!
ReplyDeleteTTPT, I am sending you the dry-cleaning bill for the office chair I just peed in from laughing so hard...
ReplyDeleteruns but cannot hide
ReplyDeleteyielding her virginity
hen is chaste but caught
Beaker loves lovin'
ReplyDeleteHe cannot select just one
Taste just like chicken
***
The sky is falling
Gaga tweeted his package
Chickie is outraged
Jams, a FABULOUS play on words! you're so clever.
ReplyDeleteCogDis, I am dying of laughter here...
These are all TOO TOO good for a mere comments section in a blog!!!
"Gaga tweeted his package" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
ReplyDeletePullet of my heart
ReplyDeleteUnknowable beautious hen
Your feathers hold light.
Knatolee - what fun - just as good as sunshine. Am headed back out to the garden to weed.
Unwilling Ladies
ReplyDeleteGallus Gallus Domesticus
Cock-a-Doodle-Don't
Sophie's a gourmand.
ReplyDeleteChicken droppings appeal to
the true connosseur.
Pretty chickens dance
ReplyDeleteOn skinny yellow legs
A moment of romance...
A dozen eggs.
I am Chicky girl
ReplyDeleteStop that Beaker, Chick seeker
Spike my saddle, please
Beaker here
ReplyDeleteIf Chicky's near
my rampant cluck
to her will steer
It's not a Haiku
Do I give a damn?
One bad Rooster's
What I am
Chickens, you may say
ReplyDeleteI have a headache tonight
to a strutting coq.
Chicky, the coy minx,
ReplyDeleteCons all with sly hi-jinx.
Runt of the sex-links?
Indeed, no such thing!
From the phone booth emerges
a caped crusader.
Barbara, I like that. You know chickens well, and how their feathers can be iridescent in the sun! :)
ReplyDeleteKatnip, what can I say? That is SUBLIME. "Cock-a-doodle don't"...I love everything about your haiku!
ReplyDeleteAhab, you know my dog too well. HAHAHAHAHA!!
ReplyDeleteFran, you're getting two dozen eggs today. :)
Andrew, you made me spit tea all over my keyboard. LOVE it, LOVE IT!! Must paint sign with that haiku on it and hang it in coop!
"Beaker", nice to see you checking in here. I don't care if it's not haiku; it's BRILLIANT!!!
Claude, excellent advice, especially for poor Chicky!
HWB, I am hugely impressed by how you rhymed so many words ending in "x"!
And I can't believe how well all of you seem to know my chickens!!
ReplyDeleteSee tail feathers spread
ReplyDeleteFlag to manly roosterness
Hens flock to me now
Preen, primp, crow and strut
ReplyDeleteChickens want a manly slut
Show them rooster love
Trying to pick up
ReplyDeleteChicks is tough. Roosters agree:
Love is for the birds.
Phyllis in Croatia
Cordon bleu, pot pie
ReplyDeleteKiev, coq au vin, nugget
noodle soup, yummy
Leopard gekko looks
ReplyDeletewaits, silent, laughs, watches, waits
'til lizards reign again
Gordon, Knatolee,
ReplyDeletechicken, dog, cat, lizard, zoo,
birds visit, much poo
Beaker feeds on corn
ReplyDeleteFine monocotyledons
gird his loins for love
Hens are in revolt
ReplyDeleteWe sisters need roosters like
fish need bicycles
Frowning hens confer
ReplyDeleteWe are as Lysistrata
Sapphic love for hens
Never mind Beaker
ReplyDeleteWho steals all my eggs? I say
Thieving lady, ay?
Just put up a post about the comp on the Poor Mouth. I hope it brings a few more fine haikus.
ReplyDeleteThe standard so far is great!
lesbian chickens
ReplyDeleteread the Well of Loneliness
then sapphic orgy
Errol Flynn's idol:
ReplyDeleteSilvio Berlusconi
"Let's bunga bunga!"
YOU ARE ALL FANTASTIC! Every morning I read these and choke on my tea... too, too hilarious. You all deserve a prize!
ReplyDeleteTTPT, you get bonus points for the use of "Silvio Berlusconi" and "Bunga Bunga" in a haiku!!
ReplyDeleteJams, I love that you're recognizing the diversity of the hens. And bonus points to you for the use of the word "monocotyledons"! Heck, you get 10,000 bonus points for inspiring this whole thing!
Andrew, I don't know where to start. YOu worked in me, the gecko, poo... it's all so fabulous. I need to celebrate with beer.
ReplyDeleteTrill, I appreciate teh delicious food imagery, even if the hens don't!
ReplyDeleteCrowzma and Phyllis, your submissions are absolutely Lord Gaga-worthy!!
ReplyDeleteThwarted cockerels
ReplyDeleteconsider radical change
Transgender rooster?
Rooster ponders change
ReplyDeleteswaps his coxcomb for moustache
Poultry - Out and Proud!
Chicky hires Gordon
ReplyDeleteNo fury like a scorned hen
See you in court, boys!
You know, Jams, I have heard of cases of hens changing sex, and also "half and half" chickens! So your haikus are very relevant. HAHAHAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteTTPT another EXCELLENT one. Gordon was pretty pleased this morning to hear he'd been featured in a haiku!
ReplyDeleteGive me one moment
ReplyDeleteFree from Errol's lustiness
Damn the chicken wire
Forty nine chickens
ReplyDeletegovernment want to know if
I have fifty birds
Man's age-old question:
ReplyDeleteWhich came first, chicken or egg
God just smiles and winks
CogDis,mere chicken wire would never stop Errol! Hahahahaha! He is a 24-hour-a-day lust machine.
ReplyDeleteAh, JOhn, an egg-cellent chicken-quota haiku.
TTPT, your haiku is food for thought!
Rooster is confused
ReplyDeleteand wracked by secret yearnings
at weekends a hen
Jams, your latest has a wonderful sense of ... poetry to it. "At weekends a hen" is a line of shimmering beauty!
ReplyDeletePlus clearly I am going to have to keep an eye out for cross-dressing roosters in my coop... Beaker's already halfway there.
Six new chicks, for sure
ReplyDeleteBeaker and the boys approve
Ding, dong, Cocks sing song
I'm not sure which I like more, the latest haiku or the idea of a "Beaker's Roosters Choir"!!
ReplyDeleteFresh chicks in the house!
ReplyDeleteBeaker can't wait for them to
Reach age of consent
Sexy chickens need
ReplyDeletealektorophilial
vocabulary.
Cock a doodle do
ReplyDeleteIf you're a chick we'll get you
And sing about it too
Eh...Age of consent?
ReplyDeleteOf roosters you know nothing
Chickens and stuffing
You do realize, "Beaker's Roosters Choir" and "Beaker Boy", that you are going to have to own up to your true identity if you win the contest!? :)
ReplyDeleteThey are indeed excellent haikus, and I continue to be enchanted by the notion of a choir of singing Beakers!
TTPT, we were laughing our *sses off at that one this morning!
ReplyDeleteAnd HWB, hang on, I need to go find a dictionary!
Did somebody say a choir of singing Beakers?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpcUxwpOQ_A
Lord Gaga's namesake
ReplyDeleteHatched out of an egg like him
And struts her stuff too
Roosters' dilemma
ReplyDeleteWith all those nubile sex-links
When will WE get laid?
Who is Beaker Boy?
ReplyDeleteStrutting cocky, hen jockey
look out window, see?
It's me.
Beaker has been bad
ReplyDeletepunish me hard he cries out
loves pain and pleasure
Beaker's Chicky toy
ReplyDeletecan sure keep a rooster boy
in the saddle. Joy
HWB, that was fabulous! I loved it when the violin burst into flames. I should play that video down in the coop to inspire the Beaker Boys Choir!
ReplyDeleteAhab, I like how you worked popular culture into that haiku! Or something. :)
ReplyDeleteTTPT, another marvellous haiku, complete with double-entendre: laid/laid!
Anonymous, not just a haiku, but a haiku that rhymes. You get bonus points for that, but if you win you have to send me your mailing info. :)
Jams, nothing like a little S & M to spice up the coop. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
And Beaker Boy, you too have an excellent rhyming haiku!
Beaker looms, I run
ReplyDeleteHe catches me, I endure
Don't tell, but it's fun
O Canada Post!
ReplyDeleteBeaker's love notes to Chicky
Languish in thy bins
Re: "mailing info" if we win (see, us chickens can do fancy admin talk you know), we 'aint in this to win, we just like clucking you about (ha ha). We are gonna have a Knat and Gordon haiku competition in the coop. Sophie tells us your secrets so we have plenty material. Yours with cross-species felicitations (and thanks for the fluffy new recruits). This writing in your stoooopid language aint really allowed cos we're supposed to pretend we are dumb birds, but think about it my dear... could a human run around for a while without its head on? All is not what it seems, you dumbsters (we just love your reaction to that old headless chicken trick :)
ReplyDelete"Don't count your humans until they're dead," we say. You have no idea what we really use you for. You wouldn't want to have.
ReplyDeleteHumans think they rule
Ha ha sillies, go to school
Faking dumb: our tool
Chicken pie Chicky
ReplyDeletegiblet soup and spice stuffing
Human love? Nothing
This is the 100th comment. Pointless, but it is. People (and other species apparently) like a good poetry challenge
ReplyDeleteYawn, Boring, Boring...
ReplyDeleteWaiting, Warming, Waiting, Yawn,
Lizard Dawn, come on...
Ah, so "Chicky" might need to be disqualified because "Chicky" is one of the contest judges, but I will make sure "Chicky" gets a free meal out of this, which might ease the pain of disqualification!
ReplyDeleteTTPT, that is awesome, incorporating the current Canada Post strike into your haiku. Fanastic!
ReplyDeleteCHickens United, you are scaring me. Am I going to have to arm myself when I visit the coop? Is a visit to KFC in order??
ReplyDeleteChief Chicken, (isn't that called a rooster?), while your haiku is excellent, I quibble with the fact that it is not technically a HEN haiku!
ReplyDeleteSophie (you traitor, betraying family secrets to the chicken world!) that sounds just like you. It's all about the giblets. Do the hens know?
ReplyDeleteAndrew, congrats on post #100!
Poor Gecko, always neglected, always bored!
ReplyDeleteChickens are jealous
ReplyDeleteKitty pool in the basement
Dude, where's our hot tub?
Mayor Ford decreed
ReplyDeletehe would not march this Sunday.
Beaker has more pride.
Earthquake strikes Japan!
ReplyDeleteReverberations from the
lustiest chickens?
Royal visit soon
ReplyDeleteAll the hens are practicing
Feathery curtsies
Errol bows deeply
Then he salutes Prince William
Beaker ogles Kate
One hundred haikus
ReplyDeleteAnd what can we expect here?
Pullet surprises.
Beaker the sneaker
ReplyDeleteChicken seeker and freaker
He's always eager
Beloved Rooster
ReplyDeleteBeloved Hen
rush slowly....in my frying-pan!
Where is Julius?
ReplyDeleteThere's fur in the chicken coop
Carnivorous hens
In secret conclaves
ReplyDeletethere is murmuring, plotting
hens will rule the world
Jams O'Donnell -- Hey, hens can't be any worse than our current crop of leaders! :)
ReplyDeleteTTPT, EXCELLENT! I love how you incorporate recent household events (kitty pool) into your haiku.
ReplyDeleteAnd for those who don't live in Toronto and may not have grasped the full magnificence of Happy Wombat Boy's "Ford" haiku:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/06/23/ford-gay-pride-family.html
I can't believe the Mayor of Toronto had to get his Mommy to talk on the radio for him. Such a loser.
HWB, such poetry to your Japan earthquake haiku. It's wonderful in so many ways: sex, current events, and mentioning Japan in a Japanese form of verse!
ReplyDeleteTTPT, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the royal visit reference. And you KNOW Beaker. Not in the biblical sense, of course!
"Pullet surprises", nice pun HWB! I would expect nothing less from you!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, rhyming haikus get BONUS POINTS!
Willie, you are SHAMELESS. No prize for you! (But maybe some eggs.)
"Where is Julius?
There's fur in the chicken coop
Carnivorous hens"
HAHAHAHAHA! Jams, you are going to win SOME kind of prize for the quality and quantity of your haikus. Another thing of magnificence.
Ahab, I think the hens would do a MUCH better job of leading our countries. And if people got out of line, the hens would simply peck out their eyeballs. Problem solved!
ReplyDeletereminiscences
ReplyDeleteBantam hens shimmer blackly
Free range happiness!
Jane, how beautiful!! Nice to see someone around here has class (certainly not me!)
ReplyDelete"Hens changing sex," ay?
ReplyDeletePlease God not the other way
No hen me, I pray
lovely chicken eggs
ReplyDeletebeautiful treasure inside
a hens best laid plans
If my eggs
ReplyDeletehad legs
they could run from egg stealer
like I run from Bad Beaker
But we'd both get caught
Sigh
We're lowest of the lot
Why?
New picnic table?
ReplyDeleteHens whisper among themselves
"Are we the main dish?"
A summer moon pales
ReplyDeleteOn mother’s feathers, soft
A chick’s bright eye peeps
niwa tori wa
ReplyDeletemayonaka kite
kitsune naku
(The hen when,
Midnight comes
The fox cries.)
© 2011 Nicholas Robinson
CHef Nick, those are beautiful, and you get BONUS POINTS for the Haiku in Japanese. Wow!
ReplyDeleteBeaker Boy, I like the SHakespearian/Transgender tone of your latest effort!
ReplyDeleteChicky, why indeed? The eternal question.
Sugar Creek, I love that double entendre: "best laid plans" hee hee!
Fantastic work, all of you! Thanks for giving me a month's worth of laughs. We'll get the judging done in a couple of weeks but to me, you're all winners!!